7.31.2011

tuesday morning WILL NOT be PRETTY


cardinal grand cross between pluto/uranus/mars/moon
(don't fuck with me and mine for the next two weeks)

mercRx opposing neptune/chiron
(hurtful lies will be told)

jupiter square sun/venus
(there is no love without demands)

but also:
jupiter trine pluto
(use the deepest sparks of your being to beef up your presence and staying power)

mercRx sextile mars trine neptune/chiron
(the tough things that need to be said, will get said if only in a subliminal way..but it will be powerfully sublime - so listen without imposition and hear the truth within yourself even if it is painful)

venus trine uranus in fire
(those demands can be fuckin hot)

by thursday, the emotional stresses will balance out as the moon joins jupiter in a sextile to sun/venus. this will be a quick second to experience something beautiful and composed. grandiose and flamboyant, yet with a stern sense of balance and equilibrium. shit will stillbe hitting the fan, but maybe it will make an interesting splatter pattern on the wall.

babbling bourgeois baboons

i will be the first to profess that i know jack-shite about economics. Aqua 2nd house.. completely empty ( as it has been lately, as well - AND for quite a while )
...--I'JS_tDnt'G-tIt.NOTfr.Nt-bu 'tisNON-snse..  yo... --'......

(senior year of high school i was dropped from an Advanced Placement Government course, while holding an A- average, for not paying $75 to take the college AP exam..**going to art school_they don'giv-af*ckbout.gov'ment**..from there i found myself in NYS Regents Economics . . . . . the only "D" i ever got... EVER!!)

but for all of these quables,
babbling like bourgeois baboons..

will the greater powers that be (international banks) even consider allowing the US to default on our debt?

..and YES -it is OUR DEBT!!!!!!    --i think not (hope not)

BUT here comes mercury retrograde.  getting a taste of VIRGOs qualitative comprehension for just a second before slipping back into the DESERVING attitude of loveable leo...  (wait-was that necessary? IdntNd ALL THAT STUFF!?!) Do i really understand what i just heard? -what you just told me? -what i just said? 
ummm...  Neptune is involed.   ain't no way in HELL
ALL THAT STUFF!!! will go away as jupiter turns and forgets the grandios prospective (or so my untrained eye shall hope).. for the more intimate vestages of community and subsistance.  Modern completion Without EXCESS

and through my drivel:

As the grand cross refines our constructs of societal/interpersonal relations on a constrained level, will the disolution of economic comprehansion amoungst this populous amount to an abandonment of glutony (capitalism), whence our prodigal explative nature as AMERICANos (reluctantly) resolves to our own exhausted recources and limits?

we are so reliant in this imaginary world of money...  we talk of dollar amounts in perspective to the size of buildings fallen that once represented the pinacle of such.  can you really comprehend?   does it really makes sense?

(i payed $75 for digestive aids today.. to correct the abominations that are modern antibiotics and a destroyed digestive tract ..$75 so that i may eat more happily processed foods, while a child somewhere didn't eat today at all.......)

If we really broke the system..  if our debt, and borrowing against the future doesn't pan out like WE(they)thought... 

WHEN WE HAVE TO GIVE UP the THINGs that make this life BETTER (assumptive material prospects) THAT HAVE MADE OUR SOCIETAL IDEALS THE PICTORAL IMAGE OF THE FUTURE for capitalist desires; how do we use an understanding of self/humility/family//SURVIVAL to RECONFIGURE THE PERCEPTION OF DEBT from a monetary system, to that of equalibrium and centrality?

"I raise you one figment, against your 14trillion figments.. and simultaneously call a duel of discrepancy between what i think a figment is and what you think you still have in your pocket...."

There is the potential for the complete distruction of our society purely because everyone continues to play the game out of necessity and the lack of ability to subsist otherwise.  

we buy everything from somewhere elseMost US homes live off products grown/manufactured/produced in other places.  it costs money to get those things to us, so that we may use them for the intended purpose.
but WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED MONEY? if i can't pay for what i DESIRE/NEED, how will you pay for what keeps you in service..  and the next, and beyond....  if the value i place on the amount/COST of what-ever doesn't continue to feed the flow of what he thinks it costs and how much they are willing to charge......
CAN THEY REALLY JUST RAISE THE NUMBERS and be OK?

do you think this mercRx followed by jupRx will give us a new idea of capitalism and consumption vers. the staid aspirations of bigger is better is succesful is happier is what WE want...
..or, do you think the coming retrogrades will help shed light on the misteps we have taken by professing utter importance for materiality over home/family/love?

7.28.2011

the creepy dude

     D (as i shall refer to him here) is a 65 year old man who began writing to me via chat site 2 years ago. he claimed to be 42 when we first started exchanging messages. he would tell me about his house and that he didn’t need to have a real job because he lived off his residuals from the market and such. he would never show me a picture of himself online because he was the secretary of a catholic church and town and couldn’t broadcast his face across the internet. (uh-huh)

    i was very tight on cash at the time. i was a student; already $75,000 in debt; only bringing in about $180 a week from my part time job. struggling to keep gas in the car just to get to class, i needed help.
he offered to pay me for some landscape work. i accepted. but then, when the job was done.. he still offered to keep “helping me”, because “he knew how hard it was” for me to keep up on my income. i continued to accept.
i am not proud of this by any means, but i always made it plain and clear that i was not interested in him romantically and did not desire a relationship. he bought me groceries, and put gas in my car. he would take me out for dinner. he helped me pay some of my student loan payments after classes and my forbearance was up. he used a connection he had to get me an incredible deal and put paid a small down payment in my car when the last one literally exploded one day. (the car has always been in my name, and i have paid for all but that first down payment.) then he asked for my social security number. (HUH?) he claimed that he was going to make me the sole executor of his will, and needed my SS# to process the papers through his lawyer. he wanted to keep me around until death.

    he told me he loved me and this was his way of showing his love. i tried to explain that for me love has nothing to do with the material world.. i told him i wanted him to be happy, and i didn’t think could be the person to make him happy. i couldn’t show him the love he wanted. but he assumed that since he “loved” me, i HAD to love him back.

    he would try and kiss me whenever his face got close enough. he offered to give massages all the time. he bought bottles of my favorite liquor to keep on hand knowing that i would not drive if i had been drinking, and would then have to stay over at his place. (i never drank in his presence). he always told me i should come swimming in his pool.. even bought me a bathing suit. i got my ass pinched and my crotch groped on a regular basis. i convince myself that this was just a job.. that i deserved to get paid for spending time with this man who would otherwise have no other companionship. it made him happy to walk through the mall next to me and buy me clothes.. so i played the game and told myself i was doing a good deed. (yeah.. right…..)
beyond the vileness of his nature, he was physically one of the most unattractive men i have ever known.. sorry i have venus in libra, and i’ve dated a 58 year old.. this man did not take care of himself. he lived his entire life in his home town; in the same neighborhood. no desire to explore anything beyond the hill (my packed 9th house was baffled by this). he was rude to people in public (every server we ever had in every restaurant we ever went to). he owned his black convertable sports car for 3 years and barely had 11,000 miles on it… it had never seen a highway. he lived very sheltered from reality in his little world of figurines and silk flowers.

    as my financial situation improved, i saw him less and less. he would complain and whine that he hadn’t seen me in so long, and that he really wanted to go out to dinner with me. i couldn’t handle being one step above prostitute anymore.. it was weighing on my conscience. was i just using him? or was he the one using me.. we were in fact using each other. and it needed to stop.

    it was at this time that i began chatting with another guy in the area on that same chat site. D came up in conversation.. “hey, do you know this guy?” he was doing the same exact things for/to this other kid.
when i finally called D on his true age and claimed that to be a breach of confidence, i pretended to be upset that he had lied to me for so long about something so trivial.. i felt like a nasty scumbag, and i was. but so was he. he cried. i told him i didn’t want any further contact. “i swear i was going to tell you how old i really am if you ever moved in here with me..”

MOVE IN!!?!?!?!            WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    the entire time this went on.. and even now. i have always referred to D as “the creepy dude”. that is his official name amongst my inner circle.

    now, just another chapter from the darkest years of my life. i was horribly ashamed of myself, and still am; but it’s done.

7.18.2011

to lose myself completely

i am an escape artist.  i practice the art of removal; withdrawing from reality... letting my mind hide from the perils that await waking life. i have done this my entire life, and it is accomplished in many ways.  some good, others bad. 

creatively..  i make beauty. i order systems.  i utilize that which is given me to produce a more elegant response.  i manifest imaginations and conjur notions yet unseen.  i fall into dreams that resonate through the ethereal levels of our universe.  even to be swept up in the world af anothers creativity..  film, music, art.  my mind disapears into a realm that sooths with positive energy and completion

tactlessly..  i abuse my physical self.  drugs.  alcohol.  sexual promiscuity.  using whatever means to be emotionally removed from personal awareness.  ignoring my own worth and ability, i indulge in the least savory of activities;  feeding off the vile depths of debauchery and pity.  as punishment for lusting after a chance to leave, my soul rots with negativity and loss.

both of these powers are within me, a constant battle of which self shall prevail.  but both as a means of escape.  both sides of my being striving for something else..  both yearning for an unknown.  both running from this plain....  fighting to be swept away.

i am an escape artist, and one of these days..  i won't come back.

7.17.2011

so...

the turning of pages
leaves of wilted paper
flake and crack under touch
the old falls away

new is the look in my eye
wonder and excitement
what is to come
how it will unfold

new words lay waiting
the next chapter begins
no more sorrow
this time is for me