Between GenX and GenY - Generational Androgeny and the Truth of Ourselves

There is a commentary floating around over the entitlement of GenY.  Though it may be a convincing argument, and in fact be true for a good portion of "millennials", I still find the argument insulting and in itself, egotistical.  To lump any group together in such a way is really just an obnoxious affront to us all.  I'm not making the claim that we are all "special", but I will make the claim that we are all individuals.  As an individual, I do not prescribe to the drivel of rainbow barfing unicorns and grass full of flowers.  I know my worth, and this is has become a culture where material excess and lack of opportunity have stripped away not only my personal dreams, but my vision of the American dream as well.

Many will lump my age group into GenY territory, when the reality is that I have never associated with them.  I was born in 1980..  which means, I'm not part of GenX either.  Am I a Millennial?  Perhaps..  if only because I am alive at the turn of the millennium.   Where do we fit in?  What subgroup do we belong to?  I'm not punk.  I'm not gangsta.  And I'm definitely not pop.  I'm alternative.  So no, you can't really put me in a group that worships rainbows and unicorns can you.

Then came the retort to "why millennials are unhappy".  It is an angry and defensive rebuttal of the primary article, and I agree with most of it.  We are a mid-generation lost in the storm of the expectations and desires of those around us.  We were told our entire lives that hard work would get us where we needed to go, not that we were entitled to it no matter what we did.  But now that hard work hasn't given us what we were promised.

So now where do we go?  Those of us from in between..  I suggest we forgo both ends  of the spectrum.  We are not part of the original coke snorting team of 1980's yuppies.  Nor are we part of the current brood of self important, materially obsessed youth.  Perhaps we ought to give up on the materiality of our surrounding generations all together.  I mean, seriously...  I wouldn't be caught dead standing in line for the next best iCrap.  It's not that important.  But something has to be...  the existential gap has to be filled somehow.

It is often said that the happiest people on earth are those who flee commercial consumption.. in some ways, I think that existential emptiness has been filled by religion for previous generations. and though I have never associated myself as being part of GenX or GenY, I see that most people around our age have either completely abandoned religion, or are disillusioned with the organization (which is fine) but have not bothered to replace that force with anything of their own construct.  Instead they try and fill the hole with things and status

I am not a religious person.. I don't even know if I would call myself spiritual.... but I am not vapid in that respect. Where religion gave previous generations a ploy with which to fill the existential gap, the younger generations of this society have been trying to fill that hole with material crap rather than an understanding of our place in the greater scheme. I fill that space with the study of astrology.. it gives me understanding and meaning just like religion has done for so many. It doesn't rid me of the want and desire for the material world, but it lets me know that getting everything I think (or society tells me) I want, isn't all that important. what is important is to accept myself for the truth of who i am and be comfortable in knowing that this life is exactly how it is supposed to be....

Pisces Full Moon 9.19.13

the coming full moon (in pisces this thursday morning) is the culmination of the past six month lunar cycle that began on april 10th with the new moon in aries...  remember that one?  with both mars and venus conjunct?  yeah..  it was powerful in that subdued new moon type way. 

well.. on April 10th I left for my last vacation to Miami, and was so relieved and thrilled to be leaving my work life behind. It was when I got back from said vacation that the whole load of crap fell apart because my ex-boss used my absence to undermine me, for which i retaliated with words that cost me my position (pretty much because I outright proved my refusal to respect her "authority"). anyway.. it was the last step in the final act of it all coming undone.

this thursday, I'll be getting together with several of my old co-workers for dinner and drinks.. to have a good time and enjoy each others company. perhaps, for the last time all together (if i indeed get a job out of the area and move away). it has been long enough that we are no longer attached to the previous situation.. so yes, this is an end point. Though I may not be with this group all together, each of them will always be a part of my life in some way... but not nearly as close.

AND.. the full moon is exactly opposite my natal Virgo moon, so the sun is transiting my moon as i type. I am working hard to form new professional attachments as well as maintain and strengthen my familiar ones.. and yes, i've been an emotional shit show half the time; crying for no reason, getting angry at others for nothing at all. it's a big test to stay focused on being positive and looking forward, especially since it is forward to an uncertain future.

now.. with saturn and venus conjunct, I feel slightly at ease knowing this energy nataly; but having them conjunct my natal merc/sun conjunction in scorp is like overlaying two very different parts of myself. my rules and loves may be completely intertwined, but they are intuitive with a quintile aspect to my mars in the 12th house conjunct my natal neptune. mars and neptune may be involved with this formation as well, but not in ways that are comfortable (particularly the square to mars, and neptune conjunct chiron).. and though the 12th house may not be comfortable for most, it suits my mars and neptune intuitive guidance system. but here I feel like I've lost that intuition and my rules about love and happiness are being thrust upon my logical and egotistical self. I feel like I may be making demands of my expectations on life that I don't necessarily deserve, but they need to be made in order to ensure I continue to progress in this life (rather than lay stagnant). It's a difficult concept to maneuver, and I don't know if it the right avenue to take.. half of me feels that I might very well be sabotaging myself by requiring more than I have been given.

the full moon itself falls at the very end of my third house... so yeah, i've been verbose.. but I can't keep all of this in. I need to share. I need to communicate all the craziness going on inside me... it's the only way I know I can get through it. and in communicating all of this, i also desperately seek insight from other perspectives... i need people to tell me that this will not only work out ok in the end, but how best to make it work out as well. because, right now.. i am so lost.

REAL Tomato Soup

I know a lot of people out there who grow tomatoes in their gardens.  This is the time of year where we have tomatoes overflowing and the stewing/canning process begins.  It is a battle with seemingly no end..  Blanching tomatoes.  Pealing tomatoes.  Stewing tomatoes.  Crushing tomatoes.  Straining tomatoes..... tedious, and so not what anyone wants to be doing in these last days of summer weather, but it must be done. 

Well..  what about the leftovers.  Skins and strained juices most often get tossed.  I suppose we got what we wanted, so who really cares..  but how about a couple extra treats? 

Now, as far as I have been told, my Italian great grandmother (who passed on long before I was even a thought), used to take the skins and rub them against a grater to collect all the last bits of pulp still clinging to the inner skin. This is tomato paste, done the real way.  I made a half assed attempt at this once, and didn't really accomplish much other than a messy grater.  I suppose with some diligence and practice I could accomplish this culinary endeavour, but really...  I'm only so ambitious. 

The strained off juice on the other hand is a simple byproduct, and you're going to end up with it no matter what.. So why not use it?  I take this "tomato water" and turn it into tomato soup.  It ends up with a flavor along the lines of what you would get from a can, but obviously so much better!


I start with 3-4 cups "tomato water" in a medium sized, heavy bottomed sauce pan. 

Bring the juice to a low boil and add the following:

1tbs chicken bouillon
1tbs tomato paste (not necessarily made by hand)
1tsp onion powder
1tsp garlic powder
1tsp paprika powder
a large pinch whole dried savory leaves
a dash of celery seed
and a dash of red pepper flakes

Reduce to a simmer for about a half hour to let the flavors come out.  I then make a roux with 2tbs melted butter and 1tbs flour and whisk into the soup to thicken and give it a nice glaze.  I give it one more boil and then it's done.  Short and simple. 

I like it served with cheesy fish crackers to really bring home the comfort food quality. 

Definitely a good use of something that would otherwise just be tossed away. 

Of course, the seasonings don't have to be exact, flavor it as you like..  try some oregano or basil for a more Italian flare, or perhaps a touch of cumin and fresh cilantro for a more Mexican taste..  My mother likes to add fresh basil and touch of cream at the end. 

Try it for yourself and see what you come up with.


CHEERS!

Saturn vs. Pluto

As most of you know, both Saturn and Pluto are very prominent in my natal chart, but in positive ways (chart ruler Saturn exhalted in Libra, in the 10th house conjunct Venus and Jupiter - Pluto conjunct my MC) but they are also both transiting some intense points (Saturn conjuncting my merRx/Sun - Pluto moving through my first).

I once described pluto as the terrifying creature hiding in a dark corner, a pile of death at his feet, an evil snicker with black blood dripping from his fangs. his eyes are clouded over, limiting sight.. he senses his surroundings on a telepathic level. the sphere of his tomb is charred and black, constantly crumbing and refilling with more ash. He is indiscriminate, with no care for what is right or wrong. His main intention is to forever facilitate destruction and rebirth. Pluto doesn't care what you do, just that the stagnant pile of death collecting at his feet turn into ash and crumble away to feed the new sparks of life that will become the next phase of existence.

Saturn doesn't deal with death and ash.. he controls stone and logic. once the bits of ash have fallen from Pluto, they congeal and re-manifest into malleable tools. The water of life combines and forms the primordial mud we emerge from.  There is no structure, there is no purpose or intent.. it is soup; a conglomerate of possibilities.  When the mud dries, it is Saturn who comes along and builds the constructs we need to engage a full and instructed existence. He cuts bricks from the mud and builds the world we inhabit.. we fill it with life.  If life does not function properly in the space allotted, Saturn will have no qualms about tearing the whole thing down and rebuilding it the right way. Each Saturn cycle is like a floor of a building.. the first 29 years is the foundation. If we can get to that point with a functional and logical base, Saturn will help us begin building the next level. if our foundation is not stable, he will smash it to pieces and make us start again. He is the teacher who lacks heart and encouragement.. either you do it right, or you do it again. But he does so with the justification that incremental process is the most important system we follow.

Ignoring either of these energies will leave a person desolate and lost.  There will be not path towards enlightenment, just a field of mus sucking you down.. there will be no distant end to be reborn from. but that doesn't mean it's not a bitch.

I first got into astrology around my initial Saturn return.. which means he had just passed my moon, clashed with my Jupiter and was also restructuring my Venus self. In this short time I realized the root of my emotional issues; found the world I enjoyed fall to pieces around me because I was not living up to my true potential; and discovered the root of how and why I love, and what it truly is that I find beautiful. At this same time, Pluto was crossing my Ascendant.. who I was died. The person the world thought me to be no longer existed. Then, Saturn crossed my Pluto/MC..... it was not a total deconstruction, but I suddenly became aware of the cracks that still remained deep within myself. I was forced to deal with issues I never even knew existed within me.. and I did so quite publicly.

Now, Saturn is creeping up for his second (final) pass over my Merc/Sun.. (the first pass was literally minutes before Saturn began retrograde). It's not that everything is being completely destroyed again.. I still carry the lessons I learned from Saturn... my foundation still exists..... but we were building the wrong house.  The living space wasn't right.  At this point I am caught in the mulling over phase. Pluto is still exerting his energy.. sucking up the last bits of the discarded plans.  But Saturn has yet to lay down a new set of blueprints.......

It is important to distinguish between these two, especially now as they are working together so closely. If you view them as the same, then you miss out of the cycle they create.

I agree that Saturn is more personal in action, while Pluto seems to be ethereal. Saturns influence is in your face, where Pluto acts under the radar and from afar... but then again, this is how the solar system is set up. Pluto, off in the distance continually sucking away death.. Saturn in the middle, discarding that which is not functional, and rebuilding anew that which sustains.

unsent letter to my mother

I will not apologize for speaking the truth.

I will not apologize for enraging you into action beyond sending threatening letters via some lawyer.

I will not apologize for slapping Tom and Carole in the face with a dose of reality they obviously are ignorant of.

I will not apologize for telling the rest of the family what is really going on with Grandpa.

I will not apologize for the fact that your family takes advantage of you because you are a woman.

I will not apologize for being an asshole.

Thirty years of my life was devoted to trying to make you happy. I spent thirty years doing what I could to try and make you proud. I am $80grand in debt because YOU wanted me to be an architect. Did you ever wonder why I failed? I was miserable, and realized I hated the person you wanted me to be. I just liked to draw, and YOU decided what I was supposed to be before I even knew what it meant. I don't even like to draw anymore. Now I have all but given up any kind of dreams I had for the future. I will never have what I want, because I spent so much of myself trying to give you what you wanted.

I will not apologize for not being what you want me to be.

Do you ever wonder why I sometimes give you vague answers as to where I am going? Every time that happens it is because I'm going out on date. Every single time I leave the house without telling you where I am going, I am meeting up with a man that I like. But I have purposefully not told you because YOU told me there was something wrong with me. Who does that? Who tells their child they are broken, and then tries to claim the blame for it in a shitshow of tears. I will never bring anyone home for fear that you will blatantly insult him to his face like you have done so many times before to my friends. I only ever wanted to make you happy and you have made it quite obvious that I will never be able to do that. Too bad I'm such a fucking disappointment, but I can't live under your shadow anymore.

I will not apologize for who I am.

You only see what you want. You are just like your delusional brother, convincing yourself of your own false truth. You get enraged over one tiny part of the picture and ignore everything else to the contrary. You may sit and nitpick everything and think that you have looked at every angle, but you only look at what works in your life. You are selfish. You have no grasp over your emotional awareness and you take it out on everyone else. Do you have any idea how long I have worked on myself to undo crap emotional constructs you put in my head? Do you think you are the only one affected by life and death and lies and manipulation? I'm here too, but believe me I'd rather not be.

I will not apologize for your emotional catastrophes.

Carole is a piece of social climbing junk yard trash, who wants nothing more than be the pinnacle of Lake George Club society. I knew it was I was young, and now it's fucking obvious. Everything she has ever done was to manipulate her way into the status our family had, and hers never would. She threw everything I said in your face because she knew it would upset you. She knows that you care what people think. The only care she gives a shit about is that of her plastic friends who invited grandpa to “Tom's house” at Grammas wake. The bitch didn't even have the decency to wait until Gramma was in the ground before staking her claim. But go right ahead and be pissed off at me for insulting her.

I will not apologize for trying my damnedest to publicly humiliate that piece of shit.

Tom stole from your father and Grandpa doesn't even know it. Tom screwed you and Dad out of money that helped support HIM back when he and Grandpa were in court, but claims you never did anything to help them out ever. How many years did Dad spend all his time at the lake fixing things? How many years did you help pay the taxes on the house? When you no longer could, and your son Tom offered to help, why was he denied? You don't think your brother had this in mind all along? How many years was it that I was the only one who knew where anything was in the house because I was the only one to clean it; the only one to take care of Gramma and Grandpas things? But Tom took over with his hoard of spoiled brats. The last time I was in there the house was trashed, with their shit just thrown everywhere. They don't even have the respect to clean up after themselves.

How dare Tom have the fucking gall to say no one has ever done anything for Gramma and Grandpa, so he deserves to take the lake house. Did he forget that she died in our house? Did he forget that you cared for her for months and months? Does he even care that he has 4 other siblings? Does he even give a shit that everyone loved Gramma more than anything else on this earth? You spent months sitting next to her as she slept just so someone would be there when she opened her eyes. I was the last one she said, “I love you to”. I was the last one who made her laugh. I sat up with her until 3 and 4 in the morning holding her hand because she didn't know where she was. I wanted to make her proud even more than I wanted you to be proud of me. Who the fuck is he to say he is the only one who helped? Fuck him and his bullshit claims that no one ever did anything for them.

Fuck him and his bitch wife for being greedy pieces of shit.

Fuck him for taking away the only place that I have ever considered home.

Fuck him for insulting the love I have for Gramma.

Fuck him for taking advantage of you.

Fuck him for abusing the trust of his own father.

I purposefully wrote what I did and attached it to my cousins knowing pure and well that it would get back them. I did exactly what I intended to do. I never thought you would be so ridiculously upset, and honestly have no fucking clue why you are behaving this way.

I will not apologize for shoving his face in the load of crap he shit all over this family. I have no respect for him, and I have no remorse for what I did. You need to understand that you are not the only person dealing with this. You need to understand that it is not all about you, and your lunatic behavior is not justified.

I spent the past month moving from couch to couch between friends who love me for everything that I am, not just what they want and expect me to be. I stayed out of your way so you could wallow in your own shit, but now you need to get over yourself. I can't afford to couch surf any longer. It costs too much money driving from place to place several times a week as I try not to over-stay my welcome anywhere. I costs too much to feed myself out of to-go containers because I don't have a kitchen to cook in.

I have put applications and resumes out to companies from Boston to Chicago trying to find a job that I can be happy doing that will support me on my own. And I have still managed to pay all of my own bills except one that I asked dad for help with today. You do realize that my bills come to about $1000 a month and I have been unemployed since May right? But I've still made it work, even despite your selfish bullshit of kicking me out. And it's too bad you don't want me here, but I don't want to be here either.

Do you even care what I've gone through in the past month? Did you know I was in a car accident? Did you know I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk for 3 days. Did you know I spent 6 days caring for a quadriplegic because no one in his family would lift a finger for him? Did you know I had the flu and was in bed with a fever and vomiting? Do you give a shit, or do you only care about yourself?

I am only here to save up as much money as I can so I can leave. Then I will be gone and you will never have to deal with my bullshit upsetting your fragile existence ever again. I will go and live my life and try to find a way to be happy, and figure out what I'm supposed to do and who I am supposed to be. You can do whatever you damn well please all on your own. OR, we can both acknowledge that I am an asshole, and that you are selfish and we can be done with this stupid crap and move on like real families do; like intelligent rational people do.

You're my mother. I love you with everything I have, but I can't be your child anymore. Accept me for being me, and being in this bullshit with you.. Know that I cannot and will not keep my mouth shut when I see the people I care about being abused. Know that I will not sit by idly when someone tries to take away something I care about. Know that I am not your little boy, or just fucking let me go.

If you're done with me, then I suggest we both refrain from any further confrontation, and I will leave as soon as I am able. If you don't want me out of your life, then you need to get over yourself and see that I am not the enemy.

Your choice.

Lessons of Independence for the Aquarius Full Moon

I have a friend with cerebral palsy.  Or rather, he is more of an acquaintance.  We met after chatting online for a little while, and he is a nice and friendly guy.  We had only actually hung out three times ever when he up and moved to California with his full-time caretaker a few months back.  BUT, he came back to town this past week to attend his brothers wedding, without his caretaker. 
When I say caretaker, I mean the person who cares for him 24 hours a day, every day, all the time, for everything he needs.  My friend has limited use of his left arm, and that is about it.  He is otherwise confined to a wheel chair and must rely on others for everything aside from feeding himself and wiping his own ass. 

A few months back, he called me up to ask if I would like to accompany him to his brothers wedding.  I knew what this would entail at that point.  I would have to pick him up, lift him into my car, get his chair folded up in my back seat, get him and chair back out of the car at the venue and wheel him around for an evening.  I agreed happily and willingly because it sounded like a good time. 

Then, just before his flight back across the country, he called and asked if I could pick him up at the airport and bring him to his fathers house.  I figured, why not?  It's not like I've got anything else going on right now being unemployed.  So I go to the airport and pick him up.  As soon as we get into the car he says that he needs to go pick up his tux before going to his fathers house.  It was on the way, so..  whatever.... 

We get the tux and start heading to his fathers.  As it turns out, his father lives a lot further away than my friend had originally said. But, I'm used to driving..  so..  again, whatever.

Then we get to his fathers house.  His father is an angry and gruff bigot who treats his son like shit.  I did not know this.  Nor did I know at the time that my friends caretaker refused to come with him for the trip because he didn't want to see the father.  Upon getting him in the house, his father informs me that he is unable to lift his son in and out of his chair and I can sleep in the back bedroom......

WHAT!?!?!

My friend never told me part of the plan was having me stay with him and his family.  I started to panic.  I told them I would stay with a friend who lived nearby and frantically started txting so as not to have to drive 2 hours home, or worse, sleep in this strangers house.  But I had no luck..  my friend nearby had lost his phone earlier that day, and as time wore on i saw my situation getting more and more grim.  By nightfall, my friends father told me i needed to pull my car into the driveway for the night because he didn't want it to get hit int he street.  This made no sense to me, but not wanting to offend him I went and pulled my car in the driveway.  He then pulled his car in behind mine claiming he had to be up early to bring my friends step-mother to work early the next morning, and he didn't want to have to wake me up to move my car.

I was trapped.  I started freaking out, but silently and without letting them see how uncomfortable I was because that's just the Libra in me.  But this was the night of the full moon in Aquarius, and these strangers had suddenly stolen my independence and lain captive my ability to escape..  There was no way I could get my car out even if I tried.  And if I did escape, then I'd be leaving my friend with people who refused to help him. 

I told them I was tired..  helped my friend into bed, and excused myself and went to bed myself.  It was still hours before I normally go to sleep, but I couldn't sit there watching VHS taped daytime soaps any longer.  As I lay there trying to ignore the menagerie of bobble head dolls lining the walls in this strange place, I ended up overdosing on benedryl just to pass out.  What the fuck had I gotten myself into....?

The next day involved waking up to my friends father trying to get him ready for the day..  his father pulled off all of his clothes as he lay in bed, and then started yelling at him for not bathing properly.  He told him he stunk, and he had better find someone to give him a bath before the wedding.  I just stood there trying to not look at my embarrassed friend, who was now naked, wondering why he came back to this. 

After my first ever micro-waved egg and margarine breakfast, I loaded my friend in the car and left the house as soon as possible...  As we drove around all day, I didn't know what to say to him.  Did he just assume that I had offered to help with everything?  ..or was he just taking advantage of my willingness to help?  I didn't know..  and I didn't know how to ask without making the situation even more uncomfortable. 

Many hours and miles later, we returned to the house to find the extended family there for dinner.  I spent the evening sitting with them at the dining room table listening to them talk about their family, how much they disliked the bride to be, and how their small town had gone to shit.  I had nothing to add to the conversation, and just sat there until i could once again banish myself to the creepy back room with all the bobble-heads, because no, I had still not heard from my nearby friend and resigned myself to the horrible situation. 

The following day, we were to check into a motel closer to the wedding venue, and then attend the rehearsal dinner.  This had already been planned without my knowledge, and at that point I just accepted it.  But first, there were errands my friend needed to run...  go to the bank, buy a wedding card, visit an old friend...  Several more hours of driving with just as many piss breaks as the day before.  Pulling into the back of a parking lot and waiting outside the car as he urinated in a bottle, which I then had to dispose of. 

Finally, we get to the motel.  It's nasty.  It's not the same place the rest of the family is staying at because my friend couldn't afford to stay there..  this is a place downtown where sleazy shit goes down, and scary people hash out a living.  And there was only one bed.  He expected me to sleep next to him.  I started to break. 

I ran outside and frantically started calling friends..  finally getting in touch with one about 45 minutes away who I could stay with for the night.  I felt slightly better.  When I got back inside, he told me that he was going to have someone he knew come to the room after the rehearsal dinner to bathe him.  I definitely felt better.  But then I had to dress him for the dinner... not fun.
So we go out to the rehearsal for which I was told I needed to dress up in full garb because it was at some fancy place.  Nope.  I could have worn shorts and a polo and been fine.  We eat.  It goes quickly.  I'm happy for that.  But as we get up to leave, my stomach cramps up.  The family dinner from the night before was preparing for it's second appearance and it wasn't going to be pretty.  I almost shit myself trying to lift him into my car.  His whole family stood by and watched without even offering to help.  Now angry and frantic I sped back to the sleazy motel and somehow managed to get him in the room and myself on the toilet before I ruined the one pair of dress pants I had with me. 

That trial done, he then told me that the friend who was coming to bathe him needed a ride.  I had to go pick up a stranger off some random street corner on the other side of town before I could leave for the night.  Awkward and annoying indeed.  But I made it to my friends just a few minutes after midnight...  and he was standing there waiting for me with a big hug and a stiff drink to calm me down.  I needed them both, and that one night I actually slept like a rock. 

The next morning I got back to the motel to find him still asleep..  the guy who bathed him gone.  The wedding was that night, and I told him we were going to relax and take out time.  No running around.  No panic.  No surprises.  I got what I wanted for that little bit of time.  It was nice. 
Then off to the wedding.  I spent the night being directed as to where to push him and escaping to chain smoke on the deck.  I didn't know anyone aside from him family I'd met the night before, none of whom spoke to me.  The music was awful;  the food, not much better;  and I couldn't drink because I had to drive us back into town at the end of the night to bring him to that sleazy motel.  Over the course of the evening I devised a plan to stay with another friend who I needed to get keys from as I am now house sitting for her..  not entirely true.  But not a total lie either..  and it got me out of sharing a bed with someone I was really quite angry with at that point. 

When we left the wedding, I loaded his drunk ass in the car and he immediately started crying.  He said he wanted his family to treat him better..  he was angry that he was left out of so many things his other brothers did as part of the wedding party..  he told me that he had always tried to be so considerate of others knowing how much of a burden it was to care for him, but he needed to think about himself now.  With that statement I almost hit him.  I was so angry I seriously wanted to shove him and his chair out into an intersection and just drive off.  No one in his family wanted to help him because they had been doing it for his whole life.  I had volunteered to go to a wedding and been roped into a weeks worth of personal care.  I turned the music up as loud as it would go and started singing to drown him out.  He kept crying.  I didn't care. 

Back at the motel, I put him to bed and asked why he ever came back knowing his family would treat him this way and he would have to rely on an unsuspecting me to help him through everything..  He said he may need them one day.  I told him that they most likely won't be there when that happens and I left. 

When I got to my other friends, she sat and talked with me for two hours to calm me down before going to sleep.  The shit show still wasn't over yet.  I had to get up the next day and get him out of the motel before checkout, then drive him back down to his fathers.  I told him I had a job to do that night (which was true) but just very quickly dropped him off.  As I was leaving he said, "You can pick me up tomorrow around 10." 

I said, "I will get here when I damn well get here.." and left.  I then went and sat in a parking lot for 3 hours to kill time before work.  I still had to go back the next day and pick him up again to bring him to the one other person in this state who was willing to help him out..  but it was almost over.
The other friend who was willing to help had been away all week and was supposed to get back around noon.  It was a half hour drive from where I stayed after working with one of my buddies, and then an hour drive back up to where his only other willing friend lived.  I took my time.  The other willing friend was late.  We had three hours to kill.  He offered to buy me lunch...  having not gotten anything out of the deal so far I accepted. 

He mentioned some chinese restaurant he wanted to get take out from..  I didn't want him eating in my car after seeing the mess he made at every meal all week, so I said we should just go in and eat there.  The place had no wheelchair ramp.  What The Fuck.  One of the waiters offered to help lift his chair into the building..  the only time in the entire week that anyone else touched that chair. 
Finally, as this stupid saga started to come to an actual end and I was pulling up to his friends house, he pulls a twenty dollar bill from his wallet.  "This is for gas..."  I couldn't even say anything......  I just left.  His other friend was bringing him to the airport the next day and I was just done. 
In all, from the moment I left home to pick him up at the airport until getting back home after dropping him with his friend, I spent five and half days being his caretaker.  Granted he did thank me obsessively all day and every day for the duration, but I also put 660 miles on my car driving half way across the state and back more than once for him.  The whole fiasco actually ended up costing me sixty dollars for the gas he didn't otherwise pay for. 

The next day, I woke up with a raging fever, aches and chills..  a throbbing head and dizziness.  I've been in bed since, aside from a quick run to the store because I needed liquids and pain killers. 


At the time, i just kept telling myself, "if i don't do this, no one else will.." .....the truth is, that isn't true.  The afternoon I dropped him off and left, his father and step mother had to have done everything for him, because i didn't find him in the same spot the next day.  I was used by his family as much as I was used by him.  But I still did it. 

I did it because I felt like I had to.  And the whole while I knew it was a life lesson.  I pitied him for his reliance on others, but it made me value my own independence so much more.  It was the initial shock of having my car blocked in..  here I was helping someone who couldn't help himself, and my freedom was stripped from me.  Most of you here know how much I drive (or at least how much I drove for my previous job), and the truth is that I love it..  I am in control.  I can go where I please, when I choose.  Without that option I felt crushed and defeated.  I imagined that is what it must feel like to be confined to a wheelchair and the assistance of others. 

It was no mistake this all occurred around the full moon in Aqua.  This was life showing me how important Independence is. 

This was also life showing me how important family is...  and as many problems as I have with my family right now, I know I can still count on them.  I also know I can count on my friends..  my close friends who are extensions of my family.....  the people who have put me up in their homes for days on end over the past few weeks.  Knowing that I have people to rely on is a powerful thing. 

He does not have the network of family to rely on..  I don't think it was originally his intention for me to care for him all week, but rather, everyone who said they would help bailed.  The friend we visited lent him money.  The guy who bathed him is a home health aid who had worked with my friend before, but offered his services freely.  The guy I left him with was willing to get him out of bed at 3.30am the next morning to get him to his flight home on time.  But none of them devoted themselves to him.  None of them were asked to do so much. 

The night that I picked up the guy to bathe him at the motel..  when I left, he said "Enjoy your night off!!"  -jokingly.  But he knew I was doing a job..  a job I wasn't getting paid for.  I bit my tongue and kept the scathing remark to myself that night, because that's how Libra plays...  but damnit, I was pissed. 

I imagined that if anyone came up to me at the wedding and asked who I was I would tell them I was the UNhired help.  No one asked me anything except some drunk chick at the end of the night...  she asked if I wanted to dance.....  I wanted to leave. 

He thanked me and the three other people who helped him in a facebook post this afternoon.  It was upsetting to think that he could simply group me in with the others after my days and days of effort.  But it was also upsetting to think that twenty dollars might be sufficient to cover all the miles I put on my car because of him. 

At one point, I took the piss bottle he uses and threw it in a sink full of bleach water, because it stunk so bad of rotten urinal that it made my car smell.  His own father just sprayed cologne on him as he wandered past. 

My father caught me attempting to shower with the hose behind the barn at the farm the day before I went to pick the friend up at the airport..  I'd been couch hopping for three weeks or so by that point, and was trying not to impose on anyone too heavily for fear of wearing out my welcome and being selfish.  My father told me to go home and shower, he would deal with moms temper...  I still used the hose so as not to intrude on troubled situation I myself had caused.  I can't be so selfish as to ignore the feelings of others. 

I suppose my inability to be so selfish makes me oblivious to the selfishness of others..  at least, until it's too late and i've been duped.  This certainly isn't the first time my willingness to help someone has gotten me abused.  Anyone remember the xfriend and the feather endeavor from two years back?  ...yeah..  she still works for my former employer.  They just gave her a raise.  how about the scorp?  he used me whenever he wanted, and i played along for 9 months like his little dog oft left in the cold.... 

So.  I want a life lesson from this?  Boundaries.  That is what I need to learn.  I need to learn to recognize when I'm being taken advantage of and when to put a stop to it.  But it's like lying and backstabbing..  I would never do either, so I never expect them from others.  I never think anyone would use me for their own selfish needs, because I would never do that to anyone else.  It's foolish, I know..  but sometimes I think that little bit of innocence may be the only thing keeping me from being the truly spiteful and vindictive person I know I can be...  and letting that part of me out would be worse than falling victim every now and again. 

Natal Chart Interpretations

  excerpt from a natal chart analysis..

A Whole Host of Self

Joe Jr's Aries Sun is in the 5^th house. This is a pleasurable house, where fun and enjoyment happen, games and friendship. As it is related to Leo (which is ruled by the Sun), to have one's natal Sun placed here lends a bit of comfort. He will love to have fun, and is potentially a very creative individual. There is a love of entertainment associated with this placement. He is a showman. He will be proud of his achievements and driven towards self-expression. He will be happiest as a leader, and will revel in having an audience. To be truly happy, he must shine.

Being an Aries Sun only accentuates his need to be a leader. Being the first sign of the zodiac, an Aries loves to give that first push – to get the ball rolling. Aries are never shy, and often are pioneers breaking through uncharted territory. The ram will climb to the top of the mountain simply because he wants to be the first to see what is there.

Aries and Mars go hand in hand, and Joe Jr has his Mars almost exactly conjunct his Sun. So imagine if you will, all the energy that is an Aries Sun and multiply it by an exponential level. He will be a force to be reckoned with. He will be forceful and commanding to the point of aggressive and overpowering drive. Nothing will keep him down, and nothing will stand in his way. This could prove troublesome if he cannot learn to bridle his passions.

Of all the aspects in Joe Jr's natal chart, Sun conjunct Mars is the most powerful and exact of them all. Not only are they a already joined in with similar and paired vibrational energy, they are less than a single degree away from one another. They are also moving closer together, so the culmination of their energy is just about to happen. This is action in motion (redundancy intended). He has to move. He may never stop. He knows what he wants, and he wants to win. Sports and athletics are going to be a necessity. Martial Arts could be particularly engaging, and work well to bridle the exploding energy within him; especially at a young age. Team sports will be a great pastime for him if he can remember to be a team player as well as team captain.

Joe Jr also has Venus in Aries, just a few degrees away from his Sun/Mars, making for a stellium. The concentrated energy of a stellium is such that all individual players meld to form a new character. With Mars less than one degree ahead of the Sun, and Venus another four degrees past Mars, She is blazing the trail. There will be very little difference between his Sun and Mars (his ego and drive), and likewise they way he loves and sees beauty. Venus riding up front will give him an engaging charm that very few will be able to deny. It is often said that 5^th house Suns would make great performers; with Venus here as well it is almost inevitable. He will be attracted to visual and artistic endeavors that comprise a group effort, leading said group to a cutting edge experience. Where there is a beauty in the structure of martial arts, there is also beauty in the emotion of dance. Copoeira and stunt acting come to mind.

As Venus imprints of on way he views beauty, instilling his perception with a need for elegance and appeal, she also lays her hands on the affections he will express towards other. He will love fast and strong; and when his heart is set, there will be no stopping him. His passion will start with a spark that instantly rages into an inferno.

Venus and Mars together are a blending of feminine and masculine energies. Sex and romance will be like second nature, and he will have plenty of both in his life. Partnerships and relationships will be heated and furious as they need to be passionate to keep his attention. He may in fact crave a bit of a tumultuous affair, but act in a charming manner so as not to crush his opponent. He will be charasmatic and others will feel the warmth of his glow.

Added to this mix is the minor planet Eris. In most cases asteroids and minor planets are left out of natal chart interpretation, but they add bits of nuance to a chart, especially when found in close aspect to major players in the chart. In addition to her close proximity, I have included this demigoddess in the discussion because of the mythology associated with her – She is the sister of Aries. As kin to the god of war, Eris is often seen as full of rage and sorrow. She strikes down any and all who are untrue and lie under oath. Her story is told as a vengeful plight of being the uninvited. Rejection quickly escalates to scorn and malice. Dis-invited from a wedding party, she fitfully throws an apple into the festivities marked “to the fairest”. The ensuring battle to claim the most beautiful maiden was said to be the cause of the Trojan war.

With all of his power and force, Joe Jr will be fully capable of vengeful acts. Though they are not likely to manifest, the spark will be Eris. He needs to be included, and rejection will very likely bring about a want for retaliation. This is an energy he will need to learn how to control. Having compassion will be the key to keeping vengeance at bay.

There are few aspects formed with this collection of heavenly bodies, and each of them stems off Venus. They are not tight aspects, meaning the power they exhibit will not be as strong, but they are worth mentioning none the less because of the other players involved and the types of energy manifested. Primarily, there is an opposition with Saturn and a sextile with Neptune. Saturn and Venus energy is difficult to mesh in any circumstance, but with an opposition they simply do not understand one and other. Joey may have trouble aligning what he wants from love and beauty, and what he needs from love and beauty. On the other hand, Neptune may keep him mystified in love well enough not to notice a difference. The fact that Saturn is in retrograde motion disrupting his energy may aid in the illusion as well. But the one aspect formed that is almost exact is a semi-square with Jupiter. Though the semi-square is not as powerful an aspect as the conjunction, trine, or square; not really even as powerful as the sextile; the fact that this aspect is formed within only several minutes may lend it a more poignant notion. Like the square, the semi-square is an energy that is not fully compatible. It isn't detrimental as can be a square, but it is none the less confused. Since Jupiter is the expansion tool of the solar system, Joey's already radiating personality and forceful lust for life may be overwhelming for a good number of people. But his expression is his love, and with Jupiter tied to the Moon, it won't matter if he scares away some or a few; he cannot be contained. He will have to learn to understand aversion and accept rejection. 

This is mere a small part of a 15 page report going over every detail of the natal chart.  If you are interested in purchasing something along these lines, please message me at raliberti2@gmail.com for more information.  Thank you.