unsent letter to my mother

I will not apologize for speaking the truth.

I will not apologize for enraging you into action beyond sending threatening letters via some lawyer.

I will not apologize for slapping Tom and Carole in the face with a dose of reality they obviously are ignorant of.

I will not apologize for telling the rest of the family what is really going on with Grandpa.

I will not apologize for the fact that your family takes advantage of you because you are a woman.

I will not apologize for being an asshole.

Thirty years of my life was devoted to trying to make you happy. I spent thirty years doing what I could to try and make you proud. I am $80grand in debt because YOU wanted me to be an architect. Did you ever wonder why I failed? I was miserable, and realized I hated the person you wanted me to be. I just liked to draw, and YOU decided what I was supposed to be before I even knew what it meant. I don't even like to draw anymore. Now I have all but given up any kind of dreams I had for the future. I will never have what I want, because I spent so much of myself trying to give you what you wanted.

I will not apologize for not being what you want me to be.

Do you ever wonder why I sometimes give you vague answers as to where I am going? Every time that happens it is because I'm going out on date. Every single time I leave the house without telling you where I am going, I am meeting up with a man that I like. But I have purposefully not told you because YOU told me there was something wrong with me. Who does that? Who tells their child they are broken, and then tries to claim the blame for it in a shitshow of tears. I will never bring anyone home for fear that you will blatantly insult him to his face like you have done so many times before to my friends. I only ever wanted to make you happy and you have made it quite obvious that I will never be able to do that. Too bad I'm such a fucking disappointment, but I can't live under your shadow anymore.

I will not apologize for who I am.

You only see what you want. You are just like your delusional brother, convincing yourself of your own false truth. You get enraged over one tiny part of the picture and ignore everything else to the contrary. You may sit and nitpick everything and think that you have looked at every angle, but you only look at what works in your life. You are selfish. You have no grasp over your emotional awareness and you take it out on everyone else. Do you have any idea how long I have worked on myself to undo crap emotional constructs you put in my head? Do you think you are the only one affected by life and death and lies and manipulation? I'm here too, but believe me I'd rather not be.

I will not apologize for your emotional catastrophes.

Carole is a piece of social climbing junk yard trash, who wants nothing more than be the pinnacle of Lake George Club society. I knew it was I was young, and now it's fucking obvious. Everything she has ever done was to manipulate her way into the status our family had, and hers never would. She threw everything I said in your face because she knew it would upset you. She knows that you care what people think. The only care she gives a shit about is that of her plastic friends who invited grandpa to “Tom's house” at Grammas wake. The bitch didn't even have the decency to wait until Gramma was in the ground before staking her claim. But go right ahead and be pissed off at me for insulting her.

I will not apologize for trying my damnedest to publicly humiliate that piece of shit.

Tom stole from your father and Grandpa doesn't even know it. Tom screwed you and Dad out of money that helped support HIM back when he and Grandpa were in court, but claims you never did anything to help them out ever. How many years did Dad spend all his time at the lake fixing things? How many years did you help pay the taxes on the house? When you no longer could, and your son Tom offered to help, why was he denied? You don't think your brother had this in mind all along? How many years was it that I was the only one who knew where anything was in the house because I was the only one to clean it; the only one to take care of Gramma and Grandpas things? But Tom took over with his hoard of spoiled brats. The last time I was in there the house was trashed, with their shit just thrown everywhere. They don't even have the respect to clean up after themselves.

How dare Tom have the fucking gall to say no one has ever done anything for Gramma and Grandpa, so he deserves to take the lake house. Did he forget that she died in our house? Did he forget that you cared for her for months and months? Does he even care that he has 4 other siblings? Does he even give a shit that everyone loved Gramma more than anything else on this earth? You spent months sitting next to her as she slept just so someone would be there when she opened her eyes. I was the last one she said, “I love you to”. I was the last one who made her laugh. I sat up with her until 3 and 4 in the morning holding her hand because she didn't know where she was. I wanted to make her proud even more than I wanted you to be proud of me. Who the fuck is he to say he is the only one who helped? Fuck him and his bullshit claims that no one ever did anything for them.

Fuck him and his bitch wife for being greedy pieces of shit.

Fuck him for taking away the only place that I have ever considered home.

Fuck him for insulting the love I have for Gramma.

Fuck him for taking advantage of you.

Fuck him for abusing the trust of his own father.

I purposefully wrote what I did and attached it to my cousins knowing pure and well that it would get back them. I did exactly what I intended to do. I never thought you would be so ridiculously upset, and honestly have no fucking clue why you are behaving this way.

I will not apologize for shoving his face in the load of crap he shit all over this family. I have no respect for him, and I have no remorse for what I did. You need to understand that you are not the only person dealing with this. You need to understand that it is not all about you, and your lunatic behavior is not justified.

I spent the past month moving from couch to couch between friends who love me for everything that I am, not just what they want and expect me to be. I stayed out of your way so you could wallow in your own shit, but now you need to get over yourself. I can't afford to couch surf any longer. It costs too much money driving from place to place several times a week as I try not to over-stay my welcome anywhere. I costs too much to feed myself out of to-go containers because I don't have a kitchen to cook in.

I have put applications and resumes out to companies from Boston to Chicago trying to find a job that I can be happy doing that will support me on my own. And I have still managed to pay all of my own bills except one that I asked dad for help with today. You do realize that my bills come to about $1000 a month and I have been unemployed since May right? But I've still made it work, even despite your selfish bullshit of kicking me out. And it's too bad you don't want me here, but I don't want to be here either.

Do you even care what I've gone through in the past month? Did you know I was in a car accident? Did you know I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk for 3 days. Did you know I spent 6 days caring for a quadriplegic because no one in his family would lift a finger for him? Did you know I had the flu and was in bed with a fever and vomiting? Do you give a shit, or do you only care about yourself?

I am only here to save up as much money as I can so I can leave. Then I will be gone and you will never have to deal with my bullshit upsetting your fragile existence ever again. I will go and live my life and try to find a way to be happy, and figure out what I'm supposed to do and who I am supposed to be. You can do whatever you damn well please all on your own. OR, we can both acknowledge that I am an asshole, and that you are selfish and we can be done with this stupid crap and move on like real families do; like intelligent rational people do.

You're my mother. I love you with everything I have, but I can't be your child anymore. Accept me for being me, and being in this bullshit with you.. Know that I cannot and will not keep my mouth shut when I see the people I care about being abused. Know that I will not sit by idly when someone tries to take away something I care about. Know that I am not your little boy, or just fucking let me go.

If you're done with me, then I suggest we both refrain from any further confrontation, and I will leave as soon as I am able. If you don't want me out of your life, then you need to get over yourself and see that I am not the enemy.

Your choice.