Want vs. Need

want is easy…  just list your fantasies

need is another story.

I have previously brought up the idea of Venus being what we want, and Saturn being what we need because they are very different things that have to work together to function…  the way I see it, this is the root of Saturn/Venus.
How do we reconcile what we want with what we need..  ?

very carefully and with much introspection.

what a person needs depends on where they are in their journey..  What lessons have already been learned?  What lessons have yet to be learned? 

this is a very deep strain of self exploration that requires full objectivity and acute reasoning ability.  It has to be a psychological process where the individual steps beyond their self to better view the situation.

I recently met an astrologer who has done work with Neuro-Linguistic Programming.  She explained to me that one part of the NLP could be an exercise where a person is asked to first draw a circle around them..  they stand in the middle of the circle and visualize 4 people on the circle.  The person in front of them is their reflection, seen without bias.  To their left stands the personification of their self as a child.  To the right, their self at the end of life.  Behind them is a wise and omniscient sage.
When a problem arises within the individuals psychological construct, they are instructed to bring up this image of the 4 personas about them, and ask each the same question…

In this case:  what do I need? 

ask yourself as a child, then as a reflection of now, and then as a senior..  then turn to the all knowing sage and again.  each will give a different answer.  but each answer is from within – objectively.
it sounds like an incredible exercise in personal development.  I have not tried it yet myself as I want to do more research on the topic, but i can imagine one of the major necessities is the ability to remain completely objective. 
and that's what it comes down to…

want is the product of a subjectively interior consciousness
need is the result of an objectively exterior perception

once each vantage is established, then comes the work of making those two factions work together.  This is reconciling differences.. which is also building upon strengths, and allowing for compromise.

What do you want?  Which of those wants is most important, and which is negotiable?

What do you need?  Which needs exist to propel you forward, and which exist as a crutch?

kick out the crutches and let loose the unimportant.  

How can your most important desire work in a beneficial way with that which you require to move ahead?

…this really doesn't even get close to achieving one's goals…..  this is just the foundation.  but without a good foundation, none of us will ever get anywhere. 

Pallas Athena: Warrior Goddess and the Manipulation of Systematic Projection

In reality, I am a shy and socially terrified introvert with very low self esteem... but I overcome my fears by pretending to be what I am not. The determined and confident, outspoken pioneer is just a mirage.. though it is one I think I can project relatively well. This projection of the image I desire is how I overcome my fear and in effect become said desire manifested. In overcoming the fears we hold within ourselves, and manipulating the presentation of ourselves to the outer commune, we in turn become perceived as powerful entities by those in our collective.

I have the asteroid Pallas exactly opposing my Pluto/Black Moon Lilith/MC.. the balancing act of self manipulated determination with my deepest inner strength and coercive persuasion projected outwardly upon the world is only bounded by my ability to maintain the circuit which extends to a confused connection with my emotional self (injunct moon) but also a quantitative ability to manipulate the illusion (trine Mars/Neptune 12H)

Pallas Athena shows ones ability to recognize, arrange and reconfigure patterns.. but in mythology she was a warrior goddess who adopted physical traits of men to achieve what she desired among their ranks as a commander over the field of battle. Her influence over Mars has always been one that justifies force and reasons dominance. She is a creative persona, and one to be reckoned with as well.

 I write about this as part of the energy I am mustering to maintain myself at the front lines of my grandfathers home. The war is now in full swing between sides of the family and what each wants of my patriarch. I have been chosen to defend him as well as keep watch over him... This is not a charge I feel myself ready for, but I have already foreseen the battles to come and feel the need to prepare myself. This is something that everyone can utilize under the coming t-squares and grand crosses of the next half year..... Pull your strength from manifesting that which you are not, and you will manifest more than you ever thought your soul capable. Heavens give me strength -'cuz I'll totally F a b#tch up if I need to.

the downfall of sun/pluto//pluto/sun

Elsa's latest blog post:  elsaelsa: whose fault is it if you're triggered

This immediately made me think of my former boss..  my sun squares her pluto,  her sun squares my pluto.  We were a time bomb.  Like two opposing armies just laying in wait for the right moment to attack.  She is subversive, sneaky, cruel, vindictive and spiteful.  I had the power of the respect of everyone beneath me.  She had/has the power of executive protection.  When I first started working, it was very easy to avoid her.  When I was promoted closer to her, I still had the tenacity to play along and appease her.  But, as I bore witness to more and more insidiousness, I found it harder and harder to stay complacent and obedient. 

The beginning of the end came when she tried to denigrate another employee.  She attempted to report an unjust claim against this other woman, and I stood up in defense.  I cannot and will not ever sit idly when there is an injustice.  My boss was wrong, plain and simple..  but I instantly became the enemy because I spoke out against her.  She quickly turned all that subversive and vindictive energy towards me.  I had spent years watching her wield her shit at everyone else in the department for various nonsensical reasons, and after avoiding her onslaught for so long it was finally my turn to be her whipping post..  Well, I don't play that way. 

She is not competent.  For years I was required to hand write monthly schedules for the holidays, filling out each day by hand on a blank calendar.  I had to do this 20 times over for each of my team members, spreading the whole mess out across tables to make sure they all fit together properly.  It was ridiculous.  I explained to her that it would be so much easier to just build a spread sheet to write out the schedules, but she refused because she doesn't know how to use technology.  I was forced to work as if it were the 1980's, because she couldn't be bothered to learn to use the tools of the new century (now over a decade in full swing). 

I knew that writing the schedules would be a full day of laborious torture sitting next to her, papers spread all over.  So I attempted to get a head start.  I also had my team already asking about schedules as they all had lives and needed to start planning things out for themselves.  I asked several times about the availability of one of our backup people and was ignored each time.  Eventually I said screw it and sat down at home and drew up all the schedules on a spread sheet like I had always wanted to do.  It took a fraction of the time like I knew it would. 

She was livid.  I had made her look bad.  I proved her incompetence with a simple act that everyone appreciated.

It was all out war. 

Over the next few months, she attempted to report me to the head of HR, flat out lying in an email that claimed I was acting as a rogue, upsetting my team and trying to undermine her.  She then readdressed the email to me half way through, stating that she was my boss, and if I didn't do what she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted it done she would ask me to step down.  I walked straight into the office of the president and told him she was a lunatic and a dinosaur, that if he left her in charge she would eventually destroy everything we had built. 

But the president of the company couldn't do anything..  she was under the wing of his father who started the company.  His father put her in place long before anyone else came along, and she insisted on running the department exactly how she did it in the early 90's.  I was told to keep my mouth shut and play nice, or go somewhere else because she wasn't leaving.  I even went and sat in a meeting with both she and the president, where I forced myself to apologize to her and put on a whole subservient load of crap -show. 

I agreed to continue with plans for a team meeting and informational session, but she wanted nothing to do with my plans.  She specifically asked me to plan out a workshop day, and when I gave her my plans she flat out rejected every bit of them claiming that she needed to instruct, no allow a free discussion.  She told me that allowing a free discussion would turn into a bitch fest and nothing would be accomplished.  I told her that if allowing other people to speak had always resulted in a bitch fest under her command then she must not have the ability to lead a group and should probably step aside.  She stopped speaking to me at that point. 

Then my grandmother died.  It was long in coming, but I was still devastated.  I emailed her stating that I was removing myself from any involvement with the workshop and would be absent from work for the next few days.  She conducted the meeting on her own, and my team purposefully spoke over her all day and intentionally made her look like an idiot as best they could.  I met my mother at the office that day as she needed to pick up supplies for the floral work for the funeral.  The president of the companies father took my mother aside and told her how great I was.  The bitch boss did the same..  my mother didn't realize it was her until after.  If she had, she may have hit her in her broken and grieving moments so soon after gram passed. 

Then we had our biggest holiday.  We did better than ever before.  No one had any major problems because I made sure she stayed as far removed as possible.  It was incredible.  I busted my ass to no end, but for the first time I didn't break down from stress and exhaustion.  My team did what they needed, and I was proud of them.  She could go suck herself for all I cared.  But I was still tired, and looked forward to a break. 

I went on vacation.  While away, she went behind my back and made up all of the schedules for the next holiday.  When I returned, she waited until after business hours the following day to send me email telling me that she had done this for me.  She was going on vacation the next morning, so I couldn't even respond.  I took the schedules, that I knew were ineffective and sent them to my team.  I explained that if they had any problems they would have to contact my boss directly because I had no part in writing them out.  I went on to explain to them everything that had gone down in the previous months because I wanted them to know the truth.  I told them she was vindictive and spiteful, and not to be trusted. 

Well..  one of them wasn't to be trusted either, and they forwarded my email to her.  She never contacted me again, but went directly to the president and demanded that I be removed.  No one told me this had happened.  They let me ride through that last month without any problems because they knew they couldn't do the job without me.  Then, when I went in for a department meeting that turned out to be cancelled (without anyone telling me), they took me aside and terminated my position. 

After the initial panic, I never felt more relieved.  I could breath.  I stopped waking up in the middle of the night because my dreams were angry.  I stopped finding myself screaming obscenities at the evil woman while driving down the highway.  I stopped crying out of sheer frustration.  I no longer had a job, but I was free.

Since leaving, several of my team members have also left.  Those that remain have struggled as the whole system continues to crumble around them. 

Sun square pluto is about power and exerting power over others.  When this occurs reciprocally in synastry, it will be devastating.  The ego self of one person pitted against the deepest drive and force of another person is quite a matchup..  now imagine that going both ways and see how the titans clash.

t.mars//n.NN sq. t.saturn/NN/venus//n.merc/sun, t.moon/uranus opp. t.merc@n.sun/moon-midpoint

 t.mars//n.NN sq. t.saturn/NN/venus//n.merc/sun, t.moon/uranus opp. t.merc@n.sun/moon-midpoint


that is astro code for:

  I have been asked to do something which I do not particular want to do, but I know it is a necessity, and there is no one else to do it, so I will buckle down and attempt to fulfill my duties with the utmost pleasantry and mediation...  so help me heavens I keep my emotional state intact and and non-reactionarily explosive, with my mind balanced between my ego and my emotions......

..this is going to be difficult..

Between GenX and GenY - Generational Androgeny and the Truth of Ourselves

There is a commentary floating around over the entitlement of GenY.  Though it may be a convincing argument, and in fact be true for a good portion of "millennials", I still find the argument insulting and in itself, egotistical.  To lump any group together in such a way is really just an obnoxious affront to us all.  I'm not making the claim that we are all "special", but I will make the claim that we are all individuals.  As an individual, I do not prescribe to the drivel of rainbow barfing unicorns and grass full of flowers.  I know my worth, and this is has become a culture where material excess and lack of opportunity have stripped away not only my personal dreams, but my vision of the American dream as well.

Many will lump my age group into GenY territory, when the reality is that I have never associated with them.  I was born in 1980..  which means, I'm not part of GenX either.  Am I a Millennial?  Perhaps..  if only because I am alive at the turn of the millennium.   Where do we fit in?  What subgroup do we belong to?  I'm not punk.  I'm not gangsta.  And I'm definitely not pop.  I'm alternative.  So no, you can't really put me in a group that worships rainbows and unicorns can you.

Then came the retort to "why millennials are unhappy".  It is an angry and defensive rebuttal of the primary article, and I agree with most of it.  We are a mid-generation lost in the storm of the expectations and desires of those around us.  We were told our entire lives that hard work would get us where we needed to go, not that we were entitled to it no matter what we did.  But now that hard work hasn't given us what we were promised.

So now where do we go?  Those of us from in between..  I suggest we forgo both ends  of the spectrum.  We are not part of the original coke snorting team of 1980's yuppies.  Nor are we part of the current brood of self important, materially obsessed youth.  Perhaps we ought to give up on the materiality of our surrounding generations all together.  I mean, seriously...  I wouldn't be caught dead standing in line for the next best iCrap.  It's not that important.  But something has to be...  the existential gap has to be filled somehow.

It is often said that the happiest people on earth are those who flee commercial consumption.. in some ways, I think that existential emptiness has been filled by religion for previous generations. and though I have never associated myself as being part of GenX or GenY, I see that most people around our age have either completely abandoned religion, or are disillusioned with the organization (which is fine) but have not bothered to replace that force with anything of their own construct.  Instead they try and fill the hole with things and status

I am not a religious person.. I don't even know if I would call myself spiritual.... but I am not vapid in that respect. Where religion gave previous generations a ploy with which to fill the existential gap, the younger generations of this society have been trying to fill that hole with material crap rather than an understanding of our place in the greater scheme. I fill that space with the study of astrology.. it gives me understanding and meaning just like religion has done for so many. It doesn't rid me of the want and desire for the material world, but it lets me know that getting everything I think (or society tells me) I want, isn't all that important. what is important is to accept myself for the truth of who i am and be comfortable in knowing that this life is exactly how it is supposed to be....

Pisces Full Moon 9.19.13

the coming full moon (in pisces this thursday morning) is the culmination of the past six month lunar cycle that began on april 10th with the new moon in aries...  remember that one?  with both mars and venus conjunct?  yeah..  it was powerful in that subdued new moon type way. 

well.. on April 10th I left for my last vacation to Miami, and was so relieved and thrilled to be leaving my work life behind. It was when I got back from said vacation that the whole load of crap fell apart because my ex-boss used my absence to undermine me, for which i retaliated with words that cost me my position (pretty much because I outright proved my refusal to respect her "authority"). anyway.. it was the last step in the final act of it all coming undone.

this thursday, I'll be getting together with several of my old co-workers for dinner and drinks.. to have a good time and enjoy each others company. perhaps, for the last time all together (if i indeed get a job out of the area and move away). it has been long enough that we are no longer attached to the previous situation.. so yes, this is an end point. Though I may not be with this group all together, each of them will always be a part of my life in some way... but not nearly as close.

AND.. the full moon is exactly opposite my natal Virgo moon, so the sun is transiting my moon as i type. I am working hard to form new professional attachments as well as maintain and strengthen my familiar ones.. and yes, i've been an emotional shit show half the time; crying for no reason, getting angry at others for nothing at all. it's a big test to stay focused on being positive and looking forward, especially since it is forward to an uncertain future.

now.. with saturn and venus conjunct, I feel slightly at ease knowing this energy nataly; but having them conjunct my natal merc/sun conjunction in scorp is like overlaying two very different parts of myself. my rules and loves may be completely intertwined, but they are intuitive with a quintile aspect to my mars in the 12th house conjunct my natal neptune. mars and neptune may be involved with this formation as well, but not in ways that are comfortable (particularly the square to mars, and neptune conjunct chiron).. and though the 12th house may not be comfortable for most, it suits my mars and neptune intuitive guidance system. but here I feel like I've lost that intuition and my rules about love and happiness are being thrust upon my logical and egotistical self. I feel like I may be making demands of my expectations on life that I don't necessarily deserve, but they need to be made in order to ensure I continue to progress in this life (rather than lay stagnant). It's a difficult concept to maneuver, and I don't know if it the right avenue to take.. half of me feels that I might very well be sabotaging myself by requiring more than I have been given.

the full moon itself falls at the very end of my third house... so yeah, i've been verbose.. but I can't keep all of this in. I need to share. I need to communicate all the craziness going on inside me... it's the only way I know I can get through it. and in communicating all of this, i also desperately seek insight from other perspectives... i need people to tell me that this will not only work out ok in the end, but how best to make it work out as well. because, right now.. i am so lost.

REAL Tomato Soup

I know a lot of people out there who grow tomatoes in their gardens.  This is the time of year where we have tomatoes overflowing and the stewing/canning process begins.  It is a battle with seemingly no end..  Blanching tomatoes.  Pealing tomatoes.  Stewing tomatoes.  Crushing tomatoes.  Straining tomatoes..... tedious, and so not what anyone wants to be doing in these last days of summer weather, but it must be done. 

Well..  what about the leftovers.  Skins and strained juices most often get tossed.  I suppose we got what we wanted, so who really cares..  but how about a couple extra treats? 

Now, as far as I have been told, my Italian great grandmother (who passed on long before I was even a thought), used to take the skins and rub them against a grater to collect all the last bits of pulp still clinging to the inner skin. This is tomato paste, done the real way.  I made a half assed attempt at this once, and didn't really accomplish much other than a messy grater.  I suppose with some diligence and practice I could accomplish this culinary endeavour, but really...  I'm only so ambitious. 

The strained off juice on the other hand is a simple byproduct, and you're going to end up with it no matter what.. So why not use it?  I take this "tomato water" and turn it into tomato soup.  It ends up with a flavor along the lines of what you would get from a can, but obviously so much better!


I start with 3-4 cups "tomato water" in a medium sized, heavy bottomed sauce pan. 

Bring the juice to a low boil and add the following:

1tbs chicken bouillon
1tbs tomato paste (not necessarily made by hand)
1tsp onion powder
1tsp garlic powder
1tsp paprika powder
a large pinch whole dried savory leaves
a dash of celery seed
and a dash of red pepper flakes

Reduce to a simmer for about a half hour to let the flavors come out.  I then make a roux with 2tbs melted butter and 1tbs flour and whisk into the soup to thicken and give it a nice glaze.  I give it one more boil and then it's done.  Short and simple. 

I like it served with cheesy fish crackers to really bring home the comfort food quality. 

Definitely a good use of something that would otherwise just be tossed away. 

Of course, the seasonings don't have to be exact, flavor it as you like..  try some oregano or basil for a more Italian flare, or perhaps a touch of cumin and fresh cilantro for a more Mexican taste..  My mother likes to add fresh basil and touch of cream at the end. 

Try it for yourself and see what you come up with.


CHEERS!