BIRTHDAY versus SOLAR RETURN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY chimes across the wires. 
from all angles, we receive blessing and praise for a date..

one day.


it's a nice thing ..  quite the ego boost. 

but, what if it isn't even really your birthday?
enter the SOLAR RETURN

the solar return marks the exact degree of the sky held by the sun at the moment of your breath, and the transiting sun's return to that point.  due to the 365.25 days it takes the earth to go 'round, the exact time of this return varies year to year. 

this year in particular, my solar return occurred at the last minute of my birthday.   and some years, it won't even be on 11.3 ..  but it is this moment that flavors the next year.  it is this moment that forecasts the coming year. 

NOTE to a prospective hire

When responding electronically to a job posting, of course, one must read the entire ad and response accordingly.  BUT, there are a few tactics that I have come across that I find REALLY ANNOYING.  I will delete the response immediately, without consideration:

1)  I don't care how personable your "cut and paste" mass response file is..  if it is not written specifically for the job being offered, I can tell, and you won't be considered.

2)  DO NOT send me a link to your "video resume", website or anything else..  i'm not going to chase your credentials all over the internet.  AND, I will most likely infer that such a link be malicious and avoid it at all costs.

3)  Please refrain from excessive formating within the email.  I don't care about your pretty font, or the intricate border..  it detracts from what is really being said and makes me think you're trying to make yourself out to be more than you actually are.

4)  Use FORMAL/PROPER GRAMMAR!!!  "hey man, sup?  i need a job" is NEVER going to get you hired by anyone........

the outside is still..  quiet.  dreamlike.  but the further inside i go, particles are vibrating faster and faster.  spinning around each other, regrouping.. re-interpreting.

life looks the same.  but it's been torn apart at the seams..  and the last flakes of my shredded flesh are drifting off in the whirlwind;  starting to pool at the edge of a new path.  like reincarnation, the pheonix..  the seconds before new life takes flight.

i'm weeping for the pieces of me that are to be left behind.  not from sadness, but from mere separation anxiety.  even knowing they are unecassary for the future, i always cry over death...  nor do i know yet what shape the future will take.

i just know it will be better..

so i'll wimper and twitch in my chrysalis..  hiding from all those prying eyes.  healing.  until i am ready to break free.  until it's time to take the next step.

atlas

i've been caustic of the general prospectus since the scorp season began, but neptune is really carving out a secret moment right now... thoughts that seem to have no origin are bubbling everywhere

he pictures me in a small bright apartment with a white kitchen, where i can cook to my hearts content

my consciousness is lost in a snow cloud of presuppositions

intuitive response is elemental to the survival of everything

something tells me to run

but something else screams that i shan't

there is a t-square happening

mars in leo/mercury, venus in scoprio/neptune and chiron stradling the aqua-piscean cusp

mars in leo is compulsory, demanding, 

\\

mercury and venus paired up in scorpio are like the sexual beast emerging from his dark and hidden caves.. committed to expressing all claims in a responsible and prospective manner

//

netune diludes,, expands,, reveals the unseen'

with chiron; the bearor of all deepest pain is also the beneficial prospects achieved by instructing the world of criteria for amending said anguish

glamour

lust

perversion

profession

becasue i think this is what i need to do to absolve the mistakes i cannot remember

luv the cock

i recently posted a dummy profile on one of the random gay chat sites out there.  just a cock shot and a question:  "want some?"   let's call it a social experiment. 

it has been truly amazing to watch the number of guys who had once turned me down, suddenly want to get in my pants just based on a picture of a hard-on.  (and yes, it is MY hard-on..  i have an awesome penis..  be jealous boys.)  my regular profile has pictures of my face, a description of who i am and the type of person i try to be.  i get ignored by a lot of low life pieces of shit who think they are gods gift.  but i'll tell you, all those pieces of shit who turned me down in the past have come knocking.  they all want a piece... 

too bad, bitches ain't gonna get it...  y'all can go fuck yourselves.   pathetic whores. 




oh, the wiles of being a gay man in our grotesquely superficial society...  thank heavens i already have a man to be by my side.  and he's fucking fantastic. 

tuesday morning WILL NOT be PRETTY

cardinal grand cross between pluto/uranus/mars/moon
(don't fuck with me and mine for the next two weeks)

mercRx opposing neptune/chiron
(hurtful lies will be told)

jupiter square sun/venus
(there is no love without demands)

but also:
jupiter trine pluto
(use the deepest sparks of your being to beef up your presence and staying power)

mercRx sextile mars trine neptune/chiron
(the tough things that need to be said, will get said if only in a subliminal way..but it will be powerfully sublime - so listen without imposition and hear the truth within yourself even if it is painful)

venus trine uranus in fire
(those demands can be fuckin hot)

by thursday, the emotional stresses will balance out as the moon joins jupiter in a sextile to sun/venus. this will be a quick second to experience something beautiful and composed. grandiose and flamboyant, yet with a stern sense of balance and equilibrium. shit will stillbe hitting the fan, but maybe it will make an interesting splatter pattern on the wall.

babbling bourgeois baboons

i will be the first to profess that i know jack-shite about economics. Aqua 2nd house.. completely empty ( as it has been lately, as well - AND for quite a while )
...--I'JS_tDnt'G-tIt.NOTfr.Nt-bu 'tisNON-snse..  yo... --'......

(senior year of high school i was dropped from an Advanced Placement Government course, while holding an A- average, for not paying $75 to take the college AP exam..**going to art school_they don'giv-af*ckbout.gov'ment**..from there i found myself in NYS Regents Economics . . . . . the only "D" i ever got... EVER!!)

but for all of these quables,
babbling like bourgeois baboons..

will the greater powers that be (international banks) even consider allowing the US to default on our debt?

..and YES -it is OUR DEBT!!!!!!    --i think not (hope not)

BUT here comes mercury retrograde.  getting a taste of VIRGOs qualitative comprehension for just a second before slipping back into the DESERVING attitude of loveable leo...  (wait-was that necessary? IdntNd ALL THAT STUFF!?!) Do i really understand what i just heard? -what you just told me? -what i just said? 
ummm...  Neptune is involed.   ain't no way in HELL
ALL THAT STUFF!!! will go away as jupiter turns and forgets the grandios prospective (or so my untrained eye shall hope).. for the more intimate vestages of community and subsistance.  Modern completion Without EXCESS

and through my drivel:

As the grand cross refines our constructs of societal/interpersonal relations on a constrained level, will the disolution of economic comprehansion amoungst this populous amount to an abandonment of glutony (capitalism), whence our prodigal explative nature as AMERICANos (reluctantly) resolves to our own exhausted recources and limits?

we are so reliant in this imaginary world of money...  we talk of dollar amounts in perspective to the size of buildings fallen that once represented the pinacle of such.  can you really comprehend?   does it really makes sense?

(i payed $75 for digestive aids today.. to correct the abominations that are modern antibiotics and a destroyed digestive tract ..$75 so that i may eat more happily processed foods, while a child somewhere didn't eat today at all.......)

If we really broke the system..  if our debt, and borrowing against the future doesn't pan out like WE(they)thought... 

WHEN WE HAVE TO GIVE UP the THINGs that make this life BETTER (assumptive material prospects) THAT HAVE MADE OUR SOCIETAL IDEALS THE PICTORAL IMAGE OF THE FUTURE for capitalist desires; how do we use an understanding of self/humility/family//SURVIVAL to RECONFIGURE THE PERCEPTION OF DEBT from a monetary system, to that of equalibrium and centrality?

"I raise you one figment, against your 14trillion figments.. and simultaneously call a duel of discrepancy between what i think a figment is and what you think you still have in your pocket...."

There is the potential for the complete distruction of our society purely because everyone continues to play the game out of necessity and the lack of ability to subsist otherwise.  

we buy everything from somewhere else.  Most US homes live off products grown/manufactured/produced in other places.  it costs money to get those things to us, so that we may use them for the intended purpose.
but WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED MONEY? if i can't pay for what i DESIRE/NEED, how will you pay for what keeps you in service..  and the next, and beyond....  if the value i place on the amount/COST of what-ever doesn't continue to feed the flow of what he thinks it costs and how much they are willing to charge......
CAN THEY REALLY JUST RAISE THE NUMBERS and be OK?

do you think this mercRx followed by jupRx will give us a new idea of capitalism and consumption vers. the staid aspirations of bigger is better is succesful is happier is what WE want...
..or, do you think the coming retrogrades will help shed light on the misteps we have taken by professing utter importance for materiality over home/family/love?

the creepy dude

     D (as i shall refer to him here) is a 65 year old man who began writing to me via chat site 2 years ago. he claimed to be 42 when we first started exchanging messages. he would tell me about his house and that he didn’t need to have a real job because he lived off his residuals from the market and such. he would never show me a picture of himself online because he was the secretary of a catholic church and town and couldn’t broadcast his face across the internet. (uh-huh)

    i was very tight on cash at the time. i was a student; already $75,000 in debt; only bringing in about $180 a week from my part time job. struggling to keep gas in the car just to get to class, i needed help.
he offered to pay me for some landscape work. i accepted. but then, when the job was done.. he still offered to keep “helping me”, because “he knew how hard it was” for me to keep up on my income. i continued to accept.
i am not proud of this by any means, but i always made it plain and clear that i was not interested in him romantically and did not desire a relationship. he bought me groceries, and put gas in my car. he would take me out for dinner. he helped me pay some of my student loan payments after classes and my forbearance was up. he used a connection he had to get me an incredible deal and put paid a small down payment in my car when the last one literally exploded one day. (the car has always been in my name, and i have paid for all but that first down payment.) then he asked for my social security number. (HUH?) he claimed that he was going to make me the sole executor of his will, and needed my SS# to process the papers through his lawyer. he wanted to keep me around until death.

    he told me he loved me and this was his way of showing his love. i tried to explain that for me love has nothing to do with the material world.. i told him i wanted him to be happy, and i didn’t think could be the person to make him happy. i couldn’t show him the love he wanted. but he assumed that since he “loved” me, i HAD to love him back.

    he would try and kiss me whenever his face got close enough. he offered to give massages all the time. he bought bottles of my favorite liquor to keep on hand knowing that i would not drive if i had been drinking, and would then have to stay over at his place. (i never drank in his presence). he always told me i should come swimming in his pool.. even bought me a bathing suit. i got my ass pinched and my crotch groped on a regular basis. i convince myself that this was just a job.. that i deserved to get paid for spending time with this man who would otherwise have no other companionship. it made him happy to walk through the mall next to me and buy me clothes.. so i played the game and told myself i was doing a good deed. (yeah.. right…..)
beyond the vileness of his nature, he was physically one of the most unattractive men i have ever known.. sorry i have venus in libra, and i’ve dated a 58 year old.. this man did not take care of himself. he lived his entire life in his home town; in the same neighborhood. no desire to explore anything beyond the hill (my packed 9th house was baffled by this). he was rude to people in public (every server we ever had in every restaurant we ever went to). he owned his black convertable sports car for 3 years and barely had 11,000 miles on it… it had never seen a highway. he lived very sheltered from reality in his little world of figurines and silk flowers.

    as my financial situation improved, i saw him less and less. he would complain and whine that he hadn’t seen me in so long, and that he really wanted to go out to dinner with me. i couldn’t handle being one step above prostitute anymore.. it was weighing on my conscience. was i just using him? or was he the one using me.. we were in fact using each other. and it needed to stop.

    it was at this time that i began chatting with another guy in the area on that same chat site. D came up in conversation.. “hey, do you know this guy?” he was doing the same exact things for/to this other kid.
when i finally called D on his true age and claimed that to be a breach of confidence, i pretended to be upset that he had lied to me for so long about something so trivial.. i felt like a nasty scumbag, and i was. but so was he. he cried. i told him i didn’t want any further contact. “i swear i was going to tell you how old i really am if you ever moved in here with me..”

MOVE IN!!?!?!?!            WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    the entire time this went on.. and even now. i have always referred to D as “the creepy dude”. that is his official name amongst my inner circle.

    now, just another chapter from the darkest years of my life. i was horribly ashamed of myself, and still am; but it’s done.

to lose myself completely

i am an escape artist.  i practice the art of removal; withdrawing from reality... letting my mind hide from the perils that await waking life. i have done this my entire life, and it is accomplished in many ways.  some good, others bad. 

creatively..  i make beauty. i order systems.  i utilize that which is given me to produce a more elegant response.  i manifest imaginations and conjur notions yet unseen.  i fall into dreams that resonate through the ethereal levels of our universe.  even to be swept up in the world af anothers creativity..  film, music, art.  my mind disapears into a realm that sooths with positive energy and completion

tactlessly..  i abuse my physical self.  drugs.  alcohol.  sexual promiscuity.  using whatever means to be emotionally removed from personal awareness.  ignoring my own worth and ability, i indulge in the least savory of activities;  feeding off the vile depths of debauchery and pity.  as punishment for lusting after a chance to leave, my soul rots with negativity and loss.

both of these powers are within me, a constant battle of which self shall prevail.  but both as a means of escape.  both sides of my being striving for something else..  both yearning for an unknown.  both running from this plain....  fighting to be swept away.

i am an escape artist, and one of these days..  i won't come back.

so...

the turning of pages
leaves of wilted paper
flake and crack under touch
the old falls away

new is the look in my eye
wonder and excitement
what is to come
how it will unfold

new words lay waiting
the next chapter begins
no more sorrow
this time is for me

Dear S,

    Listen to your wife, brother and sister.  be gentile with the next blow..  you don't want to break me completely.
                                                    -r

la dieta blanca

así estoy: el primer día del verano.

el sol sonríe con alegría...

la brisa sopla suave con caricia;

y escuchnse todos a lo que cantan los pinzones...

que bella las notas.

pero..

..dieta blanca.

pobrecito mío.

  

arroz sin sabor.  

plátanos verdísimos. 

un pedazito del pollo hervido... 

sin sal.

y agua, y agua, y agua

odio la dieta blanca.  

with the retrograde over, a lot of us are feeling the wheels begin to turn again.  all the things that have been halted and rehashed for the past few months are slowly making headway.  i think it's great!

my saturn placement is awesome (if i can brag for just a minute).  9th house libra, conjunct venus and jupiter (plus a cap asc)..  this has given me a deep sense of morality and values that i am proud of.  the world intrigues me, because the system and methodology of our culture are blatantly apparant in my eyes (and its fascinating).

i like the practicallity saturn brings to the table when venus wants to make something pretty.  i see an elegance in simple and structured beauty, and have honed my creative abilities under his watchful gaze.  form follows function in my design book, and there is an eloquence of perfectly melded style and purpose i strive for in most everything i do.

always prepared for anything, saturn has made me an eager boyscout ready to take on the whole world with all the acutriments i could ever possibly find use for.

it is like second nature, and brings me great satisfaction (jupiter), to teach and instruct (any and every subject i am fluent in).

i revel in the idea of picking apart philosophy and analyzing particulars to better understand the whole.
saturn keeps me on track, and has always taught me well.  i am grateful for him. 

make me so mad..

i project my frustrations unto others.. they are almost always completely unfounded in reality, and more often than not wrongly directed at my mother. every time it happens i feel awful after the fact, but i know there will eventually be something else that will make me want to blame her for every ill.


leo north node in the 8th, square scorp sun/merc in the 10th and chiron in the 4th. (chiron loosely opposes my sun/merc, but it very tightly squares the nodes). my north node is also trine with my hardest aspect (personally), sag neptune/mars in the 12th. there must be some good to come from that manifestation, but.. i don’t see it.

fuck you mold

airborne allergen index = through the roof

i haven't been able to breathe for days.... 

 MORE DRUGS   MORE DRUGS!!!

 

sign by element

i think of each sign allegorically:

aries: a flash fire; bright and quick..
taurus: fertile black soil; soft yet durable
gemini: a warm tropical breeze; playful and spritely
cancer: a high mountain lake; cold yet clear
leo: bonfire, like a signal light blazing through the night; massive and comanding
virgo:  millions of grains of sand; plyable, but hard to hold.
libra: the trade winds; for all that flows in one direction, thusly shall return back to the other side.
scorpio: the deepest ocean trench; concealed within the darkness hide a zillion unknown creatures.
sagittarius: soft smoldering embers; keeping everyone warm, and making sure the life of the hearth never goes out
capricorn: sedementary rock; layer upon layer as thick and hard as can be.. the structure of our earth
aquarius:  ozone; highly excitable, far above the rest.. not held down or controled by the forces of others.
pisces: the living layer of the oceans; churning with waves..

how to get a scorpio heart

catch their eye across a room..  hold that gaze.  now smile.  hold it....  look away.  continue to peruse the social arena with ease (but not agressively).  every once in a while steal another glance, as you slowly work your way through the room getting closer and closer with each passing pleasantry.

then, the final approach..  slip out of view just a couple seconds before contact (you can be sure that if the scorp is interested, they've been eyeing you all night and will notice the sudden absense)  just as you start to see them deflate thinking you've moved on..  swoop in and take them by surprise.  with a coy smile, introduce yourself and make a random comment on the festivities.

conversation will ensue, and you will have to keep it going..  the scorpios mind will be swimming, examining your apearance from head to toe, studying body language, trying to see what kind of twinkle is in your eye..  they won't have the conscious ability to manage an inteligent conversation because there are too many other thoughts taking over (if you're a good kisser, do you cuddle, what is your deepest secret).  but rest assured you have their attention.

now the big hitter:  touch them.  somehow, gently..  on the shoulder as you laugh together (hopefully the scorp will have regained composure enough by this point to alert the commic routine used by all scorps to difuse tense situations)..  the best...  make an excuse to brush something off the scorps face..  "oh, you have something just..  hold still....."  and lightly caress a finger across their blushing cheek.

you're golden..   they will be putty in your hand (or steel if you're gonna go full on scorpio).
before parting, ask for a phone number..  say you would love to see them again, and offer up oppostunities of your availabilty.  when you say goodbye, lean in for a kiss...  make it light, sweet..  but not too short (not too long either..  mouth closed and project some evergy through your lips, the scorp will feel the spark) ..as you pull away, stop and smile gazing directly into their eyes as if trying to see the color of their soul....  they are doing the same thing.  now walk away..  look back once, now keep going.

wait 15 minutes.. then send a txt "very nice" or "i like"  nothing complex, just let them know they didn't flutter out of your mind as soon as you turned the corner.

then, ACTUALLY CALL and make a date.. and you'd better plan something spectacular; they will be expecting it (and might be dissapointed if your "first date" isn't all that memorable)

now that will capture any scorpio..  guaranteed. 

the feathers persist..  they are changing shape.  these birds of unknown origins just won't stop shedding their wings ALL OVER THE FUCKIN' PLACE!!!

hippy tweed and the orange velvet

solar opposites, living in tandem..

a pile of rainbow colored chicken bits between.

where "free" is an excuse to do anything,

and squash shall pour from ears like wax.

the mastermind assault will go global..

world domination is at hand.

they are:

HIPPIE-TWEED AND THE ORANGE VELVET



appearing at DASporch - summer 2011

so that was it..

that was the scorpio full moon..  they happen but once a year (on a very rare occasion twice, remember much of 2008?).  every lunar cycle alters my consciousness ever so slightly.  some more than others..  and usually, what we just had culminate at 7.08 eastern time this morning, is one of the most intense lunar occurrences my frazzled mind is forced to endure.  i can't say this most recent was any different.

 "i wish we could open our eyes.. and see in all directions at the same time."

i'm not exactly sure how the night ended..  or if it ever really did.  i know the condition in which i grumbled back into consciousness; but the details preceding are hazed with bourbon dregs and flashes from an INTENSE dream cycle.  (here are all you're mistakes..  learn how to fix them or you're not going anywhere.)  but somewhere in the debauchery, i started this conversation...

i have no idea where it's going, or what the purpose is..  but it should be interesting.  the full moon fell just 2 degrees past the position held by uranus at the moment i was born.  uranus brings surprises..  one can almost always expect a surprise when the transiting moon passes your natal uranus.  (as you all giggle, i will try my damnedest to fit URANUS into this post at least a dozen more times).  my uranus, and the full moon occurred in my 11th house, affecting my worldly network/friendships/relations beyond this lowly soul.  so in fact..  it is no surprise at all that uranus has pushed me to expand my circle.  i've abandoned the fickle trenches of "internet dating" and grown to encompass a much less desperate collective.  

http://www.elsaelsa.com/

i've learned more about astrology and myself in the past few months engaging this blog/message board than i have been able to uncover in the past 30 years.  if anyone reading this has an interest in astrology, i would definitely recommend giving a look.  it is an amazing collection of minds from all over the world comparing ideas and helping each other grow..  in every way.

and so yeah..  cheers to uranus!!  because uranus is great..  even if grossly over extended and imposing.  i couldn't have done any of this without uranus. 

I LIKE URANUS..URANUS LIKES ME TOO..SAY HI TO URANUS FOR ME..THANK URANUS FOR THAT

stone washed

 i always just considered them jewelry..  pretty to look at, fun to wear.  but as my beliefs on the validity of metaphysical energy have increased, i find myself unable to deny the sheer power behind these pieces of earth.  they live with their own particular vibrational frequency, constantly attracting and emitting energy.  as they react upon my physicality, they also transfer the energies from the surrounding world into me.  and as i've learned, these energies can become stifled and egregious all at once.  wearing any of these stones at that point is like a fifty pound weight pulling down my shoulders.  my brain waves become frantic and congested.  

so, i cleansed and charged my stones last night..  laid in a silver tray filled with lake water, set in the rain under the full moon, beneath my favorite apple tree.  i'd never done this before, but discovered the process by simply asking the world at large.  they answered, i engaged. 

Labradorite is thought to relieve anxiety, hopelessness and depression, replacing them with self-confidence and inspiration.  dispelling negative energy it enhances clarity by improving ones cooperative abilities.  it gives perseverance, strength and intuition during times of conflict and change.

Rhodochrosite cancels depression and lightens ones mood, as well attracts love and happiness.  it is also thought to help attract ones soul mate.

Citrine gems (my birthstone) dissipate negative energy.  it promotes optimism and attracts abundance. increases intuition and the ability to adapt to the process of change.

Serafinite is thought to reinforce the communicative abilities between the physical world and the ethereal plane.  it aids in healing, weight loss and can even act as an antihistamine.

Jade promotes harmony and peace, counteracts depression and repels evil spirits.

Moss Agate, purple and green (the warriors stone) balances emotions, heals the heart and brings positive emotions.  it is also great as a gardeners stone, channeling energy to plant life, increasing prosperity as well as manifesting wealth and abundance.

Sodalite is thought to be the artists stone, promoting inspiration and creativity while providing protection, bringing inner clam and peace to the wearer.


..if this works, i'm going to expand the collection....  can't hurt.  

luna llena cometh..

it's a monday..  mid may.  full moon.  scorpionic.   i start now to profess my emotions.   i write as expression..  as a thought.  this is my mindscape............

there was a time, once, when i thought i was alone..  even surrounded by the closest commandants, i felt separate (which i suppose exudes the sentiment of commanding).   i may be singular, but i am not lonely.   the world we inhabit provides the opportunity to encounter anyone who we so well choose..  just type a topic and the most efficient librarian ever birthed (google?) shall drop a bevy of all related topics in your lap.  you can find your bee girl in the inter-webs..  this is my recollection of the process.

here, shall play stones and crystals.. planets and stars... randomness of though and the world discovered through electrons.  threads from each direction will tie into this knot.  from gathering to re-dispersal.. so is the flow of energy and life.


enjoy.