7.13.2014
1.27.2014
boxer-briefs and lambskin slippers - gearing up for the first MercRx of 2014
someone actually flagged this photo as containing nudity/pornography on the facialbook..
is a picture of me in my underwear really so offensive? how is this any different than a picture of me sunbathing in shorts by the lake?
the human body need sunlight. through the winter months we are deprived of the suns nutrients. I've never dealt well with the lack of sunlight as has been historically clear with each years bought of seasonal depression just about this time of year. and this is the best way for me to actually combat the feeling that WINTER SUCKS! especially when the average temps for the past two months have been far below normal, even in the great northeast.
winter cold rant over, I just can't see how sharing a highly effective self-help technique should be viewed as not suitable for facebook. but apparently, there is very little left that is appropriate for paranoid whiners. Maybe someday people will be able to pull the sticks out of their ass over the human body, health and communal knowledge.
mercury has been racing through vocalizing some pretty advanced ideas in the past few weeks as he trines mars in libra from aquarius. i'm expecting the next few weeks passing through the murkey-wretch will be a lot of pulling back on those voices and attempting to silence ideas.
the chart here is for the exact moment i posted the photo.. i think it's quite fitting the circumstance.
1.13.2014
Full Moon conjunct Procyon - January 2014
The coming full moon in Cancer falls within a few minutes of the fixed star Procyon. Though we are currently dealing with a swath of difficult energy as square aspects ring the chart between Pluto and Uranus and Jupiter and Mars and Venus, the Sun and Moon lay just beyond the conflict. Saturns influence is the most positive of the chart, and the lessons illuminated by this moon will be both pro found and long lasting.
I always take note of cosmic sparks that align with the fixed stars. The orbs for such alignments must be extremely acute for any significance to be drawn, but it is this acuteness that gives them power.
Procyon is said to signify physical fortitude and mental acuteness. The alpha star of Canis Minor, Procyon is thought to elevate activity to a point of possible disaster or violence when left unchecked. The star, along with the "Lesser Dog" constellation, is associated with drowning in grief, actual physical drowning, and hydrophobia as a result. But, on the other hand, Procyon sits at the mouth of the "celestial river" (the milky way), and is known to be a bastion of wealth and renown. A telling association of how water can both give and take away; and an accurate assimilation of the stars location in Cancer.
Rather than exacerbate the action of forward drive, Procyon provides the tools with which action may be manifest. He does not give life to the hunt, but instead affords the weapons enabling the success of pursuit. Though the darker quality of this energy can lead to jealousy, haste and mulish behavior; the higher octave speaks of determination and activating guided intentions.
Shining with both Mercurian and Marsian energy, Procyon represents the balancing act between intellect and impudence, and drive and compulsion. Regardless of this scale, Procyon is overwhelmingly a fortunate character when positively aspected.
When connected with the Moon, there can be restlessness and quarrelsome tendencies if loyalty and fealty are not paramount. When connected with the Sun there can be valiance and preferment, assistance and gifts of legacy as the result of diligence and great sacrifice. Saturn brings his more constructive traits, lending a tone of good judgement and trust, the benefits of inheritance and familial harmony. I think these energies combined will be more than enough to outweigh the tense conflicts of the moment.
Any way we look at it, this will definitely be a powerful moon indeed..
----
I also think it is worth nothing, that even though Jupiter and the Moon are just out of orb to be conjunct, they are still within sign and close enough to herald a union of energies. In this instance, I would still venture to say they are conjunct in in this chart - the moon still shining it's last embrace upon the jester before regressing back through it waning cycle. What makes this idea even more pronounced is the fact that Jupiter is conjunct the fixed star Sirius, one of the most powerful of the fixed stars with many of the same sentiments projected by Procyon, only on and even grander scale. When a grand scale is accentuated by Jupiter, it is best to take note.
Along that same vein, The Suns proximity to Venus and Pluto should be reviewed similarly. Though these two don't lie within the opposition of the full moon, it would be pertinent to at least keep an eye out for the presence of their power.
---
If honor is upheld, we will be given the strength and action to make true achievements in the next coming days. Good luck to everyone, and remember to hold your head up high.
I always take note of cosmic sparks that align with the fixed stars. The orbs for such alignments must be extremely acute for any significance to be drawn, but it is this acuteness that gives them power. Procyon is said to signify physical fortitude and mental acuteness. The alpha star of Canis Minor, Procyon is thought to elevate activity to a point of possible disaster or violence when left unchecked. The star, along with the "Lesser Dog" constellation, is associated with drowning in grief, actual physical drowning, and hydrophobia as a result. But, on the other hand, Procyon sits at the mouth of the "celestial river" (the milky way), and is known to be a bastion of wealth and renown. A telling association of how water can both give and take away; and an accurate assimilation of the stars location in Cancer.
Rather than exacerbate the action of forward drive, Procyon provides the tools with which action may be manifest. He does not give life to the hunt, but instead affords the weapons enabling the success of pursuit. Though the darker quality of this energy can lead to jealousy, haste and mulish behavior; the higher octave speaks of determination and activating guided intentions.
Shining with both Mercurian and Marsian energy, Procyon represents the balancing act between intellect and impudence, and drive and compulsion. Regardless of this scale, Procyon is overwhelmingly a fortunate character when positively aspected.
When connected with the Moon, there can be restlessness and quarrelsome tendencies if loyalty and fealty are not paramount. When connected with the Sun there can be valiance and preferment, assistance and gifts of legacy as the result of diligence and great sacrifice. Saturn brings his more constructive traits, lending a tone of good judgement and trust, the benefits of inheritance and familial harmony. I think these energies combined will be more than enough to outweigh the tense conflicts of the moment.
Any way we look at it, this will definitely be a powerful moon indeed..
----
I also think it is worth nothing, that even though Jupiter and the Moon are just out of orb to be conjunct, they are still within sign and close enough to herald a union of energies. In this instance, I would still venture to say they are conjunct in in this chart - the moon still shining it's last embrace upon the jester before regressing back through it waning cycle. What makes this idea even more pronounced is the fact that Jupiter is conjunct the fixed star Sirius, one of the most powerful of the fixed stars with many of the same sentiments projected by Procyon, only on and even grander scale. When a grand scale is accentuated by Jupiter, it is best to take note.
Along that same vein, The Suns proximity to Venus and Pluto should be reviewed similarly. Though these two don't lie within the opposition of the full moon, it would be pertinent to at least keep an eye out for the presence of their power.
---
If honor is upheld, we will be given the strength and action to make true achievements in the next coming days. Good luck to everyone, and remember to hold your head up high.
10.18.2013
Want vs. Need
want is easy… just list your fantasies
need is another story.
I have previously brought up the idea of Venus being what we want, and Saturn being what we need because they are very different things that have to work together to function… the way I see it, this is the root of Saturn/Venus.
How do we reconcile what we want with what we need.. ?
very carefully and with much introspection.
what a person needs depends on where they are in their journey.. What lessons have already been learned? What lessons have yet to be learned?
this is a very deep strain of self exploration that requires full objectivity and acute reasoning ability. It has to be a psychological process where the individual steps beyond their self to better view the situation.
I recently met an astrologer who has done work with Neuro-Linguistic Programming. She explained to me that one part of the NLP could be an exercise where a person is asked to first draw a circle around them.. they stand in the middle of the circle and visualize 4 people on the circle. The person in front of them is their reflection, seen without bias. To their left stands the personification of their self as a child. To the right, their self at the end of life. Behind them is a wise and omniscient sage.
When a problem arises within the individuals psychological construct, they are instructed to bring up this image of the 4 personas about them, and ask each the same question…
In this case: what do I need?
ask yourself as a child, then as a reflection of now, and then as a senior.. then turn to the all knowing sage and again. each will give a different answer. but each answer is from within – objectively.
it sounds like an incredible exercise in personal development. I have not tried it yet myself as I want to do more research on the topic, but i can imagine one of the major necessities is the ability to remain completely objective.
and that's what it comes down to…
want is the product of a subjectively interior consciousness
need is the result of an objectively exterior perception
once each vantage is established, then comes the work of making those two factions work together. This is reconciling differences.. which is also building upon strengths, and allowing for compromise.
What do you want? Which of those wants is most important, and which is negotiable?
What do you need? Which needs exist to propel you forward, and which exist as a crutch?
kick out the crutches and let loose the unimportant.
How can your most important desire work in a beneficial way with that which you require to move ahead?
…this really doesn't even get close to achieving one's goals….. this is just the foundation. but without a good foundation, none of us will ever get anywhere.
need is another story.
I have previously brought up the idea of Venus being what we want, and Saturn being what we need because they are very different things that have to work together to function… the way I see it, this is the root of Saturn/Venus.
How do we reconcile what we want with what we need.. ?
very carefully and with much introspection.
what a person needs depends on where they are in their journey.. What lessons have already been learned? What lessons have yet to be learned?
this is a very deep strain of self exploration that requires full objectivity and acute reasoning ability. It has to be a psychological process where the individual steps beyond their self to better view the situation.
I recently met an astrologer who has done work with Neuro-Linguistic Programming. She explained to me that one part of the NLP could be an exercise where a person is asked to first draw a circle around them.. they stand in the middle of the circle and visualize 4 people on the circle. The person in front of them is their reflection, seen without bias. To their left stands the personification of their self as a child. To the right, their self at the end of life. Behind them is a wise and omniscient sage.
When a problem arises within the individuals psychological construct, they are instructed to bring up this image of the 4 personas about them, and ask each the same question…
In this case: what do I need?
ask yourself as a child, then as a reflection of now, and then as a senior.. then turn to the all knowing sage and again. each will give a different answer. but each answer is from within – objectively.
it sounds like an incredible exercise in personal development. I have not tried it yet myself as I want to do more research on the topic, but i can imagine one of the major necessities is the ability to remain completely objective.
and that's what it comes down to…
want is the product of a subjectively interior consciousness
need is the result of an objectively exterior perception
once each vantage is established, then comes the work of making those two factions work together. This is reconciling differences.. which is also building upon strengths, and allowing for compromise.
What do you want? Which of those wants is most important, and which is negotiable?
What do you need? Which needs exist to propel you forward, and which exist as a crutch?
kick out the crutches and let loose the unimportant.
How can your most important desire work in a beneficial way with that which you require to move ahead?
…this really doesn't even get close to achieving one's goals….. this is just the foundation. but without a good foundation, none of us will ever get anywhere.
9.30.2013
Pallas Athena: Warrior Goddess and the Manipulation of Systematic Projection
In reality, I am a shy and socially terrified
introvert with very low self esteem... but I overcome my fears by
pretending to be what I am not. The determined and confident, outspoken
pioneer is just a mirage.. though it is one I think I can project
relatively well. This projection of the image I desire is how I
overcome my fear and in effect become said desire manifested. In
overcoming the fears we hold within ourselves, and manipulating the
presentation of ourselves to the outer commune, we in turn become
perceived as powerful entities by those in our collective.
I have the asteroid Pallas exactly opposing my Pluto/Black Moon Lilith/MC.. the balancing act of self manipulated determination with my deepest inner strength and coercive persuasion projected outwardly upon the world is only bounded by my ability to maintain the circuit which extends to a confused connection with my emotional self (injunct moon) but also a quantitative ability to manipulate the illusion (trine Mars/Neptune 12H)
Pallas Athena shows ones ability to recognize, arrange and reconfigure patterns.. but in mythology she was a warrior goddess who adopted physical traits of men to achieve what she desired among their ranks as a commander over the field of battle. Her influence over Mars has always been one that justifies force and reasons dominance. She is a creative persona, and one to be reckoned with as well.
I write about this as part of the energy I am mustering to maintain myself at the front lines of my grandfathers home. The war is now in full swing between sides of the family and what each wants of my patriarch. I have been chosen to defend him as well as keep watch over him... This is not a charge I feel myself ready for, but I have already foreseen the battles to come and feel the need to prepare myself. This is something that everyone can utilize under the coming t-squares and grand crosses of the next half year..... Pull your strength from manifesting that which you are not, and you will manifest more than you ever thought your soul capable. Heavens give me strength -'cuz I'll totally F a b#tch up if I need to.
I have the asteroid Pallas exactly opposing my Pluto/Black Moon Lilith/MC.. the balancing act of self manipulated determination with my deepest inner strength and coercive persuasion projected outwardly upon the world is only bounded by my ability to maintain the circuit which extends to a confused connection with my emotional self (injunct moon) but also a quantitative ability to manipulate the illusion (trine Mars/Neptune 12H)
Pallas Athena shows ones ability to recognize, arrange and reconfigure patterns.. but in mythology she was a warrior goddess who adopted physical traits of men to achieve what she desired among their ranks as a commander over the field of battle. Her influence over Mars has always been one that justifies force and reasons dominance. She is a creative persona, and one to be reckoned with as well.
I write about this as part of the energy I am mustering to maintain myself at the front lines of my grandfathers home. The war is now in full swing between sides of the family and what each wants of my patriarch. I have been chosen to defend him as well as keep watch over him... This is not a charge I feel myself ready for, but I have already foreseen the battles to come and feel the need to prepare myself. This is something that everyone can utilize under the coming t-squares and grand crosses of the next half year..... Pull your strength from manifesting that which you are not, and you will manifest more than you ever thought your soul capable. Heavens give me strength -'cuz I'll totally F a b#tch up if I need to.
9.23.2013
the downfall of sun/pluto//pluto/sun
Elsa's latest blog post: elsaelsa: whose fault is it if you're triggered
This immediately made me think of my former boss.. my sun squares her pluto, her sun squares my pluto. We were a time bomb. Like two opposing armies just laying in wait for the right moment to attack. She is subversive, sneaky, cruel, vindictive and spiteful. I had the power of the respect of everyone beneath me. She had/has the power of executive protection. When I first started working, it was very easy to avoid her. When I was promoted closer to her, I still had the tenacity to play along and appease her. But, as I bore witness to more and more insidiousness, I found it harder and harder to stay complacent and obedient.
The beginning of the end came when she tried to denigrate another employee. She attempted to report an unjust claim against this other woman, and I stood up in defense. I cannot and will not ever sit idly when there is an injustice. My boss was wrong, plain and simple.. but I instantly became the enemy because I spoke out against her. She quickly turned all that subversive and vindictive energy towards me. I had spent years watching her wield her shit at everyone else in the department for various nonsensical reasons, and after avoiding her onslaught for so long it was finally my turn to be her whipping post.. Well, I don't play that way.
She is not competent. For years I was required to hand write monthly schedules for the holidays, filling out each day by hand on a blank calendar. I had to do this 20 times over for each of my team members, spreading the whole mess out across tables to make sure they all fit together properly. It was ridiculous. I explained to her that it would be so much easier to just build a spread sheet to write out the schedules, but she refused because she doesn't know how to use technology. I was forced to work as if it were the 1980's, because she couldn't be bothered to learn to use the tools of the new century (now over a decade in full swing).
I knew that writing the schedules would be a full day of laborious torture sitting next to her, papers spread all over. So I attempted to get a head start. I also had my team already asking about schedules as they all had lives and needed to start planning things out for themselves. I asked several times about the availability of one of our backup people and was ignored each time. Eventually I said screw it and sat down at home and drew up all the schedules on a spread sheet like I had always wanted to do. It took a fraction of the time like I knew it would.
She was livid. I had made her look bad. I proved her incompetence with a simple act that everyone appreciated.
It was all out war.
Over the next few months, she attempted to report me to the head of HR, flat out lying in an email that claimed I was acting as a rogue, upsetting my team and trying to undermine her. She then readdressed the email to me half way through, stating that she was my boss, and if I didn't do what she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted it done she would ask me to step down. I walked straight into the office of the president and told him she was a lunatic and a dinosaur, that if he left her in charge she would eventually destroy everything we had built.
But the president of the company couldn't do anything.. she was under the wing of his father who started the company. His father put her in place long before anyone else came along, and she insisted on running the department exactly how she did it in the early 90's. I was told to keep my mouth shut and play nice, or go somewhere else because she wasn't leaving. I even went and sat in a meeting with both she and the president, where I forced myself to apologize to her and put on a whole subservient load of crap -show.
I agreed to continue with plans for a team meeting and informational session, but she wanted nothing to do with my plans. She specifically asked me to plan out a workshop day, and when I gave her my plans she flat out rejected every bit of them claiming that she needed to instruct, no allow a free discussion. She told me that allowing a free discussion would turn into a bitch fest and nothing would be accomplished. I told her that if allowing other people to speak had always resulted in a bitch fest under her command then she must not have the ability to lead a group and should probably step aside. She stopped speaking to me at that point.
Then my grandmother died. It was long in coming, but I was still devastated. I emailed her stating that I was removing myself from any involvement with the workshop and would be absent from work for the next few days. She conducted the meeting on her own, and my team purposefully spoke over her all day and intentionally made her look like an idiot as best they could. I met my mother at the office that day as she needed to pick up supplies for the floral work for the funeral. The president of the companies father took my mother aside and told her how great I was. The bitch boss did the same.. my mother didn't realize it was her until after. If she had, she may have hit her in her broken and grieving moments so soon after gram passed.
Then we had our biggest holiday. We did better than ever before. No one had any major problems because I made sure she stayed as far removed as possible. It was incredible. I busted my ass to no end, but for the first time I didn't break down from stress and exhaustion. My team did what they needed, and I was proud of them. She could go suck herself for all I cared. But I was still tired, and looked forward to a break.
I went on vacation. While away, she went behind my back and made up all of the schedules for the next holiday. When I returned, she waited until after business hours the following day to send me email telling me that she had done this for me. She was going on vacation the next morning, so I couldn't even respond. I took the schedules, that I knew were ineffective and sent them to my team. I explained that if they had any problems they would have to contact my boss directly because I had no part in writing them out. I went on to explain to them everything that had gone down in the previous months because I wanted them to know the truth. I told them she was vindictive and spiteful, and not to be trusted.
Well.. one of them wasn't to be trusted either, and they forwarded my email to her. She never contacted me again, but went directly to the president and demanded that I be removed. No one told me this had happened. They let me ride through that last month without any problems because they knew they couldn't do the job without me. Then, when I went in for a department meeting that turned out to be cancelled (without anyone telling me), they took me aside and terminated my position.
After the initial panic, I never felt more relieved. I could breath. I stopped waking up in the middle of the night because my dreams were angry. I stopped finding myself screaming obscenities at the evil woman while driving down the highway. I stopped crying out of sheer frustration. I no longer had a job, but I was free.
Since leaving, several of my team members have also left. Those that remain have struggled as the whole system continues to crumble around them.
Sun square pluto is about power and exerting power over others. When this occurs reciprocally in synastry, it will be devastating. The ego self of one person pitted against the deepest drive and force of another person is quite a matchup.. now imagine that going both ways and see how the titans clash.
This immediately made me think of my former boss.. my sun squares her pluto, her sun squares my pluto. We were a time bomb. Like two opposing armies just laying in wait for the right moment to attack. She is subversive, sneaky, cruel, vindictive and spiteful. I had the power of the respect of everyone beneath me. She had/has the power of executive protection. When I first started working, it was very easy to avoid her. When I was promoted closer to her, I still had the tenacity to play along and appease her. But, as I bore witness to more and more insidiousness, I found it harder and harder to stay complacent and obedient.
The beginning of the end came when she tried to denigrate another employee. She attempted to report an unjust claim against this other woman, and I stood up in defense. I cannot and will not ever sit idly when there is an injustice. My boss was wrong, plain and simple.. but I instantly became the enemy because I spoke out against her. She quickly turned all that subversive and vindictive energy towards me. I had spent years watching her wield her shit at everyone else in the department for various nonsensical reasons, and after avoiding her onslaught for so long it was finally my turn to be her whipping post.. Well, I don't play that way.
She is not competent. For years I was required to hand write monthly schedules for the holidays, filling out each day by hand on a blank calendar. I had to do this 20 times over for each of my team members, spreading the whole mess out across tables to make sure they all fit together properly. It was ridiculous. I explained to her that it would be so much easier to just build a spread sheet to write out the schedules, but she refused because she doesn't know how to use technology. I was forced to work as if it were the 1980's, because she couldn't be bothered to learn to use the tools of the new century (now over a decade in full swing).
I knew that writing the schedules would be a full day of laborious torture sitting next to her, papers spread all over. So I attempted to get a head start. I also had my team already asking about schedules as they all had lives and needed to start planning things out for themselves. I asked several times about the availability of one of our backup people and was ignored each time. Eventually I said screw it and sat down at home and drew up all the schedules on a spread sheet like I had always wanted to do. It took a fraction of the time like I knew it would.
She was livid. I had made her look bad. I proved her incompetence with a simple act that everyone appreciated.
It was all out war.
Over the next few months, she attempted to report me to the head of HR, flat out lying in an email that claimed I was acting as a rogue, upsetting my team and trying to undermine her. She then readdressed the email to me half way through, stating that she was my boss, and if I didn't do what she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted it done she would ask me to step down. I walked straight into the office of the president and told him she was a lunatic and a dinosaur, that if he left her in charge she would eventually destroy everything we had built.
But the president of the company couldn't do anything.. she was under the wing of his father who started the company. His father put her in place long before anyone else came along, and she insisted on running the department exactly how she did it in the early 90's. I was told to keep my mouth shut and play nice, or go somewhere else because she wasn't leaving. I even went and sat in a meeting with both she and the president, where I forced myself to apologize to her and put on a whole subservient load of crap -show.
I agreed to continue with plans for a team meeting and informational session, but she wanted nothing to do with my plans. She specifically asked me to plan out a workshop day, and when I gave her my plans she flat out rejected every bit of them claiming that she needed to instruct, no allow a free discussion. She told me that allowing a free discussion would turn into a bitch fest and nothing would be accomplished. I told her that if allowing other people to speak had always resulted in a bitch fest under her command then she must not have the ability to lead a group and should probably step aside. She stopped speaking to me at that point.
Then my grandmother died. It was long in coming, but I was still devastated. I emailed her stating that I was removing myself from any involvement with the workshop and would be absent from work for the next few days. She conducted the meeting on her own, and my team purposefully spoke over her all day and intentionally made her look like an idiot as best they could. I met my mother at the office that day as she needed to pick up supplies for the floral work for the funeral. The president of the companies father took my mother aside and told her how great I was. The bitch boss did the same.. my mother didn't realize it was her until after. If she had, she may have hit her in her broken and grieving moments so soon after gram passed.
Then we had our biggest holiday. We did better than ever before. No one had any major problems because I made sure she stayed as far removed as possible. It was incredible. I busted my ass to no end, but for the first time I didn't break down from stress and exhaustion. My team did what they needed, and I was proud of them. She could go suck herself for all I cared. But I was still tired, and looked forward to a break.
I went on vacation. While away, she went behind my back and made up all of the schedules for the next holiday. When I returned, she waited until after business hours the following day to send me email telling me that she had done this for me. She was going on vacation the next morning, so I couldn't even respond. I took the schedules, that I knew were ineffective and sent them to my team. I explained that if they had any problems they would have to contact my boss directly because I had no part in writing them out. I went on to explain to them everything that had gone down in the previous months because I wanted them to know the truth. I told them she was vindictive and spiteful, and not to be trusted.
Well.. one of them wasn't to be trusted either, and they forwarded my email to her. She never contacted me again, but went directly to the president and demanded that I be removed. No one told me this had happened. They let me ride through that last month without any problems because they knew they couldn't do the job without me. Then, when I went in for a department meeting that turned out to be cancelled (without anyone telling me), they took me aside and terminated my position.
After the initial panic, I never felt more relieved. I could breath. I stopped waking up in the middle of the night because my dreams were angry. I stopped finding myself screaming obscenities at the evil woman while driving down the highway. I stopped crying out of sheer frustration. I no longer had a job, but I was free.
Since leaving, several of my team members have also left. Those that remain have struggled as the whole system continues to crumble around them.
Sun square pluto is about power and exerting power over others. When this occurs reciprocally in synastry, it will be devastating. The ego self of one person pitted against the deepest drive and force of another person is quite a matchup.. now imagine that going both ways and see how the titans clash.
9.20.2013
t.mars//n.NN sq. t.saturn/NN/venus//n.merc/sun, t.moon/uranus opp. t.merc@n.sun/moon-midpoint
t.mars//n.NN sq. t.saturn/NN/venus//n.merc/sun, t.moon/uranus opp. t.merc@n.sun/moon-midpoint
that is astro code for:
I have been asked to do something which I do not particular want to do, but I know it is a necessity, and there is no one else to do it, so I will buckle down and attempt to fulfill my duties with the utmost pleasantry and mediation... so help me heavens I keep my emotional state intact and and non-reactionarily explosive, with my mind balanced between my ego and my emotions......
..this is going to be difficult..
that is astro code for:
I have been asked to do something which I do not particular want to do, but I know it is a necessity, and there is no one else to do it, so I will buckle down and attempt to fulfill my duties with the utmost pleasantry and mediation... so help me heavens I keep my emotional state intact and and non-reactionarily explosive, with my mind balanced between my ego and my emotions......
..this is going to be difficult..
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